Life. Love. Family. My Perfect Imperfection.

Friday, January 18, 2013

My dreams

Not only am I married to a guy who never seems to put his roots down for longer than a few years, I myself feel a bit like a "gypsy". If I had things my way, we'd move again. Not sure where, but somewhere. I'd like to spend some time out west, in Arizona, New Mexico, and California. Heck, I'd be happy to own a nice RV or bus (the kind you can actually live in) and travel around for months (or years!!) at a time. Just seeing things, meeting people, and learning new things.

If we could go to Europe for a few months, I would love to see Italy, France, Germany, Great Britain, Ireland, Poland, you name it. Then there's Australia, Asia, Africa, South America. Oh so much to see and learn! I'd love to really make a difference in some way in a far off place and teach my kids the true meaning of life, and what it is to be a citizen of the world.

I know that Jason has an amazing job, our kids are in a great school and we have a nice home, but I have this sense of longing, never truly being happy where we are, but always (or at least almost always ;-) ) happy with who we are with - Jason and E and Alex and Jax. They mean the world to me.
I don't know why there is always a nagging feeling that we should be doing more, that we should be living somewhere else, etc. I know it sounds silly.
"I should just grow up and settle down."
"What about school for the kids?"
"What about friends (for them) and family?"
Truthfully, I want so much more for them. I want their lives filled with diversity, and culture, and life-long learning, and philanthropy, and caring, and empathy for people who have less. I want them to see families around the world who may have less "stuff" but more love than we see day-to-day and who would share with you just because you are there.

As a child, I was always interested in Archaeology and History. I still am today. I'm interested in Sociology and other cultures. I want to learn a new language at nearly 32 years old and I want to take my three young sons on a never-ending adventure and for them (and I and Jason) to really live life, for us, for others, not for things and money and whatever else that doesn't really matter when it comes right down to it. I believe that God made me this way for a reason.

It's not always easy, being a parent, a spouse, especially when you have 2 extremely intelligent children, one of whom is also on the Autism Spectrum. It's hard to remember sometimes that they are just little guys still (10 1/2 and 7 1/2) and not "little adults". They know so much and memorize the craziest things. But then we have to repeat and re-teach the simplest things over and over, to the point of it being maddening. I want them to be children in the true sense and love life and really enjoy it and also see what the world is really like, outside of school, outside of the sheltered lives we all live...

Is that too much to want? Am I really asking too much? I know how crazy I sound. I am after all just myself ;) I love who I am and I'm learning to love who I'm becoming even more.

*Edited to add this final thought as well as this photo I took a couple of years ago: BTW, I know I am totally spoiled, lucky, whatever and have no idea what I would be getting myself into, as well as the fact that I have an idealized outlook on the world. But let me ask you this, if you had a chance to see the beauty in the world, would you seize that opportunity or would you stay in the comfort and confines of your own backyard?!? When I took this photo, I did not see the inchworm (or whatever it is). After I got home, I decided to crop the picture and enlarged it. After seeing it, I saw more beauty in this picture than before. I almost didn't even snap a photo of that flower that day, but something told me to. I'm glad I listened to that little nagging voice. :)*