Life. Love. Family. My Perfect Imperfection.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Old blog post (Truth is.)


Truth is.

*I wrote this for my old personal blog originally on Nov. 30th, 2011. Most of it still applies. Except for paragraph 3 - I am proud to say Jackson and I have made it to one year nursing! Also paragraph 7 - I get to add that I have more family to love in the form of 2 future BILs, (coincidentally both named Matt!) as well as 2 more nieces. I've been meaning to share this for a while. It is truly one of my favorite pieces of writing. I need to start putting myself out there more and I guess this is my way of doing that :)*

Have you seen this on FaceBook? I've seen several people (nephew, sis-in-law, nephew's g/f, cousin, etc) do this. They put as their status "Like for a truth" and anybody that likes their status, they then post on their wall something about that person, such as truth is I miss hanging out with you, or something along those lines. Always nice stuff it seems like. Well I'm going to change it up a bit and write a post of truths about me. This is going to be my first blog for December and NaBloPoMo on BlogHer. It was going to be something different but I was thinking about this on the way home from getting my munchkins from school and it feels right. It will be "raw" and open, honest and maybe too much so, but here goes.


Truth is I can be totally manic. I can be calm one minute and yelling the next for what seems like nothing. I love deeply and yet not enough. I get attached to people too easily and never know if they really care or are just humoring me. I have a hard time opening up to people but once I open up, watch out. I still can't always share my opinion with certain people because I don't want to hurt their feelings or disagree with them. I don't always make the best decisions with my kids but I always try to be a good mom. I am a mean mom, because they don't get to play video games during the week and only 2 hours each day on Saturday and Sunday, I don't buy pop all the time - it's a treat with pizza or when we go out to dinner, I make E sit in a booster seat still even though he's 9 because he's under the height/weight limit, I won't let them eat in our new van (yet) cause I want it to stay somewhat clean, I make them pick up toys (not nearly enough though) and put away clean clothes, I expect them to eat whatever I fix for dinner and then take care of their dishes after meals, I expect them to do homework and study hard. Mind you, they don't think I'm really mean, except when I yell at them ;)

Truth is I am scared to have another baby. It's been 6 years since I've cared for a newborn around the clock, changed diapers, tried nursing, and functioned on less than 6 hours of sleep. I'm worried about post-partum depression, even minor baby blues, especially since I HAVE to be able to leave the house and take my older boys to school and after-school functions and be somewhat presentable. I'm worried about nursing. I didn't have the support I truly needed with the boys. People tried but gave me an out, thinking that was supportive. I believed, at the time, it was and it wasn't meant any other way. But it would've been more supportive to say, you can do this, try one more day, he's having wet/dirty diapers - he's getting enough, I've been there/done that. But I didn't have anybody that knew those things, all my family members had bottle/formula-fed and we were hours and hundreds of miles away, so I didn't have help nearby. I didn't have a close friend I could call when I was desperate for someone to just listen and say just make it through this day, this feeding and then rest. Someone to remind it's ok to do nothing but nurse, eat and sleep if I need to. I gave up. I don't want to give up this time. I know more now. I know where to go for help. I've done research and reading and I feel confident now. I have a friend I can call if I have to. But truth is I'm still worried! I'm scared of labor and delivery. Obviously I know my body knows what to do, I've been through it twice but still. I'm worried about Jason. I'm worried about the boys.

Truth is I want to just sit and read a good book and not be bothered for several hours at some point in the next week but I know that I won't make it happen. Truth is there are dishes that need washed and I don't feel like doing them.

Truth is I love food. I love to eat. Especially junk food. Chocolate. Candy. Pizza. Oh, pizza. How I'd give anything for pizza tonight for dinner. But alas, I will wash those dishes, and I will cook dinner. What's for dinner? Eh, I'm not sure. Probably chicken cordon blue and some pasta or potatoes or something. Lucky for the hubby, the kids had pizza for hot lunch at school today so I won't even mention that that's what I would love to have for dinner. Nachos from 7-11. Yes, really. I don't know why. They always give me a stomach ache but those with a Pepsi Slurpee and I'm good! See. I told you. Junk food. I like real, good food though too. Chicken fried steak, baked fish, macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes with gravy, kielbasa, spaghetti, beef/chicken tacos with all the fixin's, steak, baked potatoes, any kind of pasta, garlic bread. Oh! Gotta stop with the food. I'm making myself hungry. Although, being 8 1/2 months preggo that isn't hard to do, LOL.

Truth is FaceBook is kind of annoying. I spend WAAAAAY too much time on there. I can see why Jas avoids it like the plague. ;)

Truth is I love my family. Not just my hubby and boys. I love my mom and dad, my sister L and her hubby, my sister H, my MIL, FIL, BIL J, SIL J, SIL M, my 6 nephews and 2 nieces. I'm sad when we only get to go home for a few days here and there. But at the same time after a couple days visiting, I'm ready to go home. We all are. It's more about being able to be in our own house and sleep in our own beds than anything. If we lived near them, the visits would be less hectic, more fun and relaxing. Plus we could trade off whose house we were at. We might even get some much needed adult time more often. Maybe even a date night once in awhile ;)

Truth is I have acquaintances, I have friends and then I have friends who are more like family. Some of my friends, I wish I had more time to get to know them better and grow closer to them. The friends who are like family are so special to me and while it's a small number they mean the world to me and I'm glad they are who they are.

Truth is I am so grateful my husband's job allows me to stay home. I hear alot of women say that they would get bored or resentful or whatever. Well I do get bored. I do feel lonely. But at the same time, I have a lot of time to myself and I have the opportunity to be able to take/pick my kids up from school, volunteer whenever I feel like it, and be home with them at a moment's notice. I don't have to worry about daycare or finding a sitter if they get sick. This isn't meant as a dig at working moms. I respect you more than you could ever know. It's just not right for OUR family. It's not right for ME. I love being a stay-at-home mom/wife, even when I don't ;)

Truth is there are always going to be things I want in this world. Some things I will get, some things I won't. That's ok with me. I am not a child. I don't feel the need to have everything I want, when I want it, all the time. Money is not the most important thing. Stuff is not the most important thing. Corny as it sounds, my family IS the most important thing to me. Sure, a dishwasher would be awesome so I don't have to spend the time standing there handwashing all the dishes, but I've lived without one for over a year. Sure, I'd love a kindle so I could read anywhere, anytime without lugging a heavy book around, but I'm ok without one too. Besides if I got those things, I would just find something else to bug about "wanting", LOL. Of course I want to take the boys to Disneyland or the Grand Canyon. Who says we can't? And why not? because we'll have a baby?! Pashaw! That is not good enough. Having a little baby with you is no reason to not allow yourself or the older kids to enjoy something. It's an excuse and a lame one at that. Will it make it more difficult? Yes. Will we have to improvise? Work together as a couple? Yes. Wow, what a concept. We are awesome parents and we can do ANYTHING we set our minds to. Just like we tell the boys. They can do whatever they want, they just have to try. Put some effort in. So why as adults do we forget this? or think it doesn't apply to us? Geez.

Truth is this post has become quite the ramble!

Truth is it's not even the first of December yet, it's only the 30th right now and I'm writing away. More than I have in months. It feels really good to just pour it out and not edit my thoughts.

Truth is I really should go. My family will want dinner soon and Jason will be home any time now, hopefully. I should wash some of the dishes and throw together something. It will probably turn into a leftover night instead of that chicken cordon blue because, truth is, I don't really want to cook tonight!!