Life. Love. Family. My Perfect Imperfection.

Monday, August 25, 2014

Early morning ramblings of a wandering mind

It is nearly 5:30 in the morning. I've been up for over an hour and was tossing and turning before that.

I can't sleep. We have one week left till school starts for our older boys. I keep thinking about all that it entails: the school year itself, what we still need to do before. Our oldest boy, E, the 12 year old, is starting his final year of middle school. Yes, 8th grade. What does that mean? We are thinking about high school. Where will he go? Our current school goes through 12th grade, but there is the public high school near us, a Catholic high school as well as the international academy that offers an International Baccalaureate (IB) diploma. The last is his first choice as of right now so we are looking at application info for January (!). Our middle son, A, is starting 5th so he needs to think about what middle school he wants to attend: our charter school or the public middle school near our home.

We've got a busy week of activities, between a one-to-one brain gym today at 3 and Choi for the boys today, tomorrow and Thurs or Fri, open house at school on Wednesday, Jason starting two of his three classes for this semester tonight after work and then of course normal everyday stuff, like cleaning, grocery shopping, etc.

Plus extended family is on my mind heavily right now. I just keep wishing I could help each and every one of them out with whatever is needed, but have no idea where to start. I can't choose one over another to start helping first and I can't help everybody at once. Not just family either but those close friends that feel like family. Also I know I can't possibly help everybody by myself. My heart hurts.

I had a dream about my grandma during the night, and I think that's what woke me in the first place. I don't recall the details and they aren't important. What is important is that not only did I see her Saturday,but I also talked to her on the telephone for a bit yesterday. For some reason, and I don't know if it's God or my guardian angel whispering in my ear or something else, I just cant stop thinking of her, my uncle Bob and aunt Kay. Feeling like I need to go see them again, right now, and take care of something that's been left undone, but I don't really know what that is. Not a bad thing, either, but like I was supposed to say something, or I'm supposed to do something for Gram. When she called me yesterday, to thank me, I couldn't stop thinking of how I wished I'd have been able to do this all sooner for her. That I don't want any more time to slip away. That all the other things I want to do for her, others, and even myself, well, that I need to just do them, and quit putting them off. I need to stand up and voice my thoughts and offer suggestions, even if they fall on deaf ears, even if they piss someone - no one in particular - off. If I see something that can change or something someone can't do for themselves and I can help with, by physically being there doing it with them - if I had a money tree, I'd give it all away, too - I need to.

My brain just can't stop.

Then I keep thinking about how to plan another get together sooner rather than later. I don't want it to be another year before I see the people I saw Saturday and I also want to see those who couldn't make it. And then there's my mama's family that I haven't seen in months or maybe years for some. I'd like to have a get-together with them soon too.

 Sometimes this is how my mind works. I feel all over the place but each thing is so important to me. And then when I can't fix the problems or do it all, I have a tendency to withdraw or give up or become angry, or irritable towards my little family because I let myself get overwhelmed. Because I don't know how to deal with it all. Because I'm one person but I want to make everything better...



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