Life. Love. Family. My Perfect Imperfection.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Refocusing

Today, as I sit here, wondering what my day holds, I think. I think about tomorrow. I think about all the activities we have planned over the next few weeks, from Choi Kwang Do to Cub Scouts, from Religious Education/Confirmation classes and retreats (!) to wedding and receptions. I think about how something has to give on some of those days. Compromise must be found in some areas.

We won't be giving up the boys' activities. It's good for them, physically, mentally, socially. I've seen them grow so much over the last few weeks taking Choi. Alex is really looking forward to Scouts this year and all that being a Webelos Scout entails!

Religious Ed and Confirmation classes are a bit of a struggle with them being opposite weekends and on Saturdays, but it works with the rest of our activities. It does mean we can't go to out of town events for family and friends on a whim, or even not on a whim, very easily. A friend of mine is getting married in a couple of weeks and while I'd love to drive down and celebrate, we just won't be able to. A week later, 2 friends of the family are having their reception about an hour from us, and E has his second Confirmation class that same day, at the same time. So, in the spirit of compromise, I'm going to tell Jason to go, take Alex if he wants, but I'm staying home with Jack. You see, E's class isn't just class. It's followed by Mass at 5pm (mandatory, and I do wish we could just attend Sunday morning in place of it, but it's to make it more of a mini-retreat/community event for the Confirmation 1 and 2 students) which he must have an adult - preferably parent - attend with him, and then youth group till 8:30pm. If I felt comfortable dropping him at 2:30, we could show up a little late for the reception, and then be back in time to get him. But I was unaware last week about a parent needing to be there during Mass. I thought that they would have all of the students sit in a group, and that would be that. When I went to pick him up, I was informed otherwise. Either my husband or I needed to drive back for Mass, or he would need another family to allow him to sit with them. Technically I have one family I could ask, but I don't know them very well. I'm on the fence. As the date approaches, I will make a final decision.

That's not really what I wanted to share today though. All of this worrying and focusing on the future. On tomorrow. On changing things. On what hasn't happened yet. Or may not ever.

Our future looks bright. But it's just that. It's the future. We don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, next week, next year. We aren't guaranteed anything but today.

Changes will come. Some may be bigger, and I hate being in limbo, but I can't change that. I can't change the "not knowing". The waiting. The wondering. But I can just put it on the back burner, and just wait and see what happens. Because whatever is going to happen, is going to happen. We all have to roll with it.

So today, I'm refocusing. Refocusing on what does matter. On what I can change. On decisions and choices I can make today. Good or bad, my day, my outlook, depends on ME!

One thing I'm refocusing on is myself. I haven't ran or exercised in just over a month. I left my tennis shoes at my parents last month, and have yet to retrieved them. I did find my old pair of sketchers in the mini-van, and while they aren't in wonderful condition, they fit, are comfortable and aren't falling to pieces. I am recommitting to spending 30 mins a day doing something, running if I can, or Wii Fit, or whatever.

My eating habits also took a step backwards. I'm eating more junk food, we aren't eating nearly enough veggies, and I've chosen to start drinking pop again. While I have somehow (we do still eat better than we did, with at least most dinners being mostly paleo) managed to maintain my nearly 13 lb weight loss, I haven't lost anymore. I'm doing ok so far today: eggs fried in coconut oil, baby carrots, a banana and water for breakfast. The plan is to edge back towards the way we were eating a couple of months ago. Because guess what?

My body doesn't like me right now. My sleep is crappy, my skin isn't as clear, my mind is a groggy mess and I can't focus. My moods are all over the place (not that they were perfect even during the Whole30, but I felt more stable, able to handle my anger, and not sad, moody, depressed feeling. I was happy more often than not) and I'm yelling way, way too much. I can't think straight. This is the first time I've been able to sit and write a whole post. And it still feels like a jumbled pile of words. My tummy bothers me some, and I'm getting headaches from caffeine withdrawals.

What else am I going to do? Hopefully declutter this house some. I'm going to just take it one room at a time, get rid of things, box up too-small clothes, donate things we don't need or want. Make room to enjoy our family time.

I'm also going to try to be more present. Get down on the floor and play with the boys, go for a bike ride, play a board game or video game as a family, take a walk at a park. Things we should do, and tend to neglect because we get busy, and then when we aren't, I just want to sit and do nothing. But I've noticed I'm doing nothing an awful lot right now. Or dismissing them, and saying just give me another minute to watch this, or read this, or even write this.

So today, not tomorrow, I'm going to start changing the one and only thing I can change, MYSELF. And by doing that, I'm going refocus on what's truly important in my life - My family and myself.

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