Productive Saturday

Last night it took us about 2 1/2 hours to set-up all our stuff! We made it home just a few minutes before Jason got home from his Friday business class, around 9. I made a mental note that we needed to be up no later than 7 so we'd have time to stop by the bank and get change because I'd forgotten.

 We woke up a little late this morning and it threw the day off some. Since I didn't want to rush Jackson eating his breakfast and make us even later and Jason had nothing going on today, they had a daddy/son morning. On the way to the school to meet Julie, I remembered the boys needed rice and instant mashed potatoes for the Thanksgiving food drive the church is holding. We stopped at Meijer and grabbed those 2 items as well as some cash for the sale - I remembered our bank doesn't open till 9am on Saturdays. By the time we got to the school, we had missed Julie :( I felt really bad that she had gone up there to look for/wait for us! I considered just keeping the boys with me, but decided to drive them over the their catechism class. I made it back over to the school just a few minutes late, and was able to get $10 worth of ones from the ladies collecting admission fees.

When I had gotten there, the family next to me gave me some money they were holding from my first sale of the day! In the 3 hours of the sale I made about $100! I did spend $14 though, buying Jackson 10 outfits and a toy, and 5 shirts and 2 pants for our niece. After we were all done, I gave the last 3 maternity items to one of the pregnant teachers and almost all of the 8/10 and some of the 6/7 clothes to a friend who I knew would be able to get some use out of them. Still had a truckload to bring home, but it's all good :)

Julie brought the boys back over to me, and between her and her boys, and my boys and I, we got the truck loaded up. On the way home, we stopped and grabbed some lunch to take home.

I had to run back out to grab some diapers, milk, bread, and a couple of other things. I don't think in 11 years of being a parent, and 3 boys (one currently in diapers almost 2 years, one for about 4 and the other for 3), that we've ever RUN OUT of diapers! I would of sworn that we had another box in the closet. While I was at the store, E and Alex got some video game time, and Jackson fell asleep.

I guess the week and morning caught up with me, because I went in to read in our bedroom where it was quiet, and I ended up crashing for about 4 hours! Jackson and I both woke up around 8. He's up playing with train tracks and his new car toy. I have a feeling it's going to be a late night for him...

He was loving climbing in and out of this box. It's the perfect size!

Jack loves it so far.

Look at the great job he did building the track by himself!!

Tomorrow is supposed to be rainy and warmer, and I'm pretty sure we are going to just have a lazy Sunday around the house.

Now to go finally get myself a (very) late dinner. Hope you all have a great rest of your weekend!

Mom 2 Mom sale

Tomorrow, the boys' school is hosting a Mom 2 Mom sale.

I've been storing a bunch of things since our garage sale over the summer in our guest/spare bedroom, trying to decide what to do with all of it. So when the flyer came home a few weeks ago, I thought I'd rent some tables and at least attempt to sell some of it.

Over the last few days, I've sorted through boxes of clothes, books and toys that the boys have outgrown and priced everything The clothes are sorted by size and season, and I was surprised by how much we have. I considered saving it for Jackson, but there's really no reason to and we don't have a good place to keep it out of the way for years. There's 3 small boxes of 0-18 month clothes along with a couple of maternity items I have leftover from my last pregnancy, and a box each of 4/5, 6/7 and 8/10.

It's all loaded in the van right now, there's no room left! The boys will have to climb over a couple of boxes to get to their seats! We are leaving in a little while to go set-up our items for tomorrow from 6-7:30.

I'm so grateful for my friend, Julie. The older boys have catechism class tomorrow during the time of the sale, and she lives across from the boys' school. Since her younger two are also in regular catechism classes at our church now, they all go at the same time, and so I asked her if she wouldn't mind stopping by the school and grabbing the older boys and dropping them off and picking them up with hers. It's such a time-saver! After their classes, they will get to hang out at Julie's with their friends for an hour or so, too. Which they are SO looking forward to. Ever since school started, they have missed seeing her boys so much!

Jack is going to hang out with me :)

This is all the stuff we are (hopefully!!) getting rid of tomorrow! If you're nearby and need boys clothes or books... also there's some boardgames, hamster cages, a diaper genie, an exersaucer, a v-tech v-smile with 2 controllers and 6 games, a co-sleeper/bassinet, and some kids' computer (learning) games. I'm sure I'm forgetting something ;)

When ouch could have been much worse

So, I fell today.

I'd love to tell ya that that's a metaphor for something. Anything. But, alas, that is not the case.

I had just wrestled a sweatshirt on a sleeping toddler. With my right arm only. Because he was asleep on my left shoulder. He'd fallen asleep on the living room floor for about 45 mins when he woke suddenly and was cranky. I cuddled him and he fell back asleep and I didn't dare disturb him, for fear he would wake again and be very cranky until bedtime.

I grabbed his coat (to put on after the car ride, it's way too bulky for safety in the carseat), his hat that I'd slip on as soon as I'd sit him in his carseat, my sweatshirt and my purse. I slid my feet into my shoes as quickly as I could which meant they were only half-way on really. Knowing full well this was not a good idea, I still proceeded out the door, as we had to go get the boys and were leaving at the last possible moment.

Stepping down the last step, somehow, without even really realizing it, I tripped, or missed the step. I'm still not sure.

In that moment time slowed, my mind, after a momentary panic, went completely calm and I could see us falling and "see" what was about to happen. My left knee made contact with the cement of the garage floor, and ever so slowly, as if time was actually standing still, I dropped our things from my right hand and placed it around the back of Jack's head and twisted my body at the hip, falling so I was on my side and he was in my arms, safe and sound. He lifted his head and giggled as he opened his eyes. I sat him on the step to collect myself and stand up and he just sat there looking at me as if nothing had happened.

In that split second that it took to turn him from the cement and keep him safe, all I could see was what would have happened. He came so close (but not really) to banging the back of his head!

Not only am I grateful for that "moment" of time - mere seconds in reality - that my mind reacted and allowed me to react, I am so grateful he is ok.

I did bang up my knee badly though. In fact, it hurts a little to walk and bend it, and it's got a nasty bruise. It's not swollen too bad, and I'll take a bruised knee over anything worse any day!

By the way, if anybody is wondering, yes, I am a klutz ;) and I will take this as a reminder to slow down a bit in life and also to give myself ample time when it's time to pick the boys up from school.

Warmer climate is calling my name...

I've been sitting here for about 45 minutes trying to churn out a post, and I just keep typing and erasing (or making drafts to come back, reread and possibly rewrite later, LOL). I've either got nothing coming to mind, or what does isn't coming out the way I want it to.

This morning, I realized how much I don't like winter. Seriously. Not one bit. Well, at least not when it comes to our mini-van. Who's bright idea was it to put the rubber seal on the OUTSIDE of the sliding doors?! (Anyone? The answer is Dodge, by the way, in my case. If you got it right, you get a cookie. But not really. Cause I don't have any. And also because you answering that in no way made my life any easier. ;) )

Yeah. The weather has taken a turn for worse, and in Michigan, that means snow - albeit, a very light dusting - as well as much, much colder temps. This morning, my door was stuck a little, but I got it opened and started the van, with the heat full blast. Even gave it 20 minutes to warm up and thaw out a little. Still couldn't open the sliding doors, until I pried the rubber from the metal. Yeah. So not happening again. Jason said he'll put something on it, but it won't last long. This on top of an annoying ticking noise that we haven't pinpointed yet. If we didn't have a loan on it, we'd probably trade it in today. But that's the problem, we most likely owe more than it's currently worth. I say likely but we could get lucky. I'm thinking something older, less expensive, but big enough and safe enough for all of us, and not a gas-hog. It would be really cool to not have to have a huge payment on something too...

If only we could come to an agreement on other stuff, it might make this easier, too! ;) I live with a very indecisive - he calls himself picky or finicky - man. I'm someone who likes to do all the research, make lists of anything that we could need to do or know and find the answers, and also make pros/cons lists. I've done all that - mind you, this is not about the van - and presented it all to him. The ball is in his court, as they say, and while I would love to say I'm patiently waiting, I'm not being very patient. I want a yes or a no. Like yesterday. But it is a big decision. Should we sell our house and move to a different house? Should he look for or take a different job and we move somewhere else? There are a lot of factors at play here. Truly, I understand why he is questioning all of it and taking his sweet time, but it is driving me nuts!

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I'm thinking an older station wagon would be kind of cool! Something that would still be big enough for all of us, and have cargo room, but not big like an SUV, and maybe better on gas. Not sure where we'd even find one at...

A good weekend

Decided to do scouting for food yesterday morning. Gathered quite a haul! Jackson bounced between riding in the stroller, walking, my arms and (sitting on the canned goods) riding in the wagon. E helped pull the wagon and push the stroller. Alex did the heavy lifting and the hardest part of the job: knocking on doors and asking for donations! I'm very proud of all of them!

After we were done, we decided that since Jason was still in Detroit doing some maintenance, we would go to lunch. The boys have asked before about going to Strawberry Fields but we never have. Since it was right near the VFW hall where we were for scouts, we popped in for lunch. E and Alex were amused by this sign, and we thought a picture would be fun.I didn't catch the purposeful irony until we were inside. Beatles memorabilia everywhere and song references throughout the menu. A quick google search on my phone led us to the reason behind the restaurant's name. 

We had an enjoyable lunch before heading home to do nothing much for the rest of the day.

This morning, after Jason cooked the boys breakfast and they were all building with blocks in the living room, I "snuck" out alone to the grocery store. Jackson wasn't thrilled when he saw I was putting my shoes on and grabbing my purse, but it needed done and I thought the 3 boys needed time with daddy. By the time I got home, Jason and the younger 2 were outside playing while E was reading in his room. Between the 5 of us, we made quick time putting all the food and toiletries away. After a late lunch and some dawdling on my part, we headed to Jungle Java, a nearby indoor play place. The kids had a blast running around for over an hour and a half. Time to head home for dinner and showers. We ended up ordering out from a local Mexican restaurant and Jack fell asleep while Jason was gone picking it up :( He's been up and down the last few hours, and didn't want dinner when he did wake up. Thankfully he's still nursing so i know hes gotten dome nutrition this evening as that's all he wanted when he woke up. He's sleeping soundly now and so are the other 2. They have school tomorrow (charter school) but Jason doesn't have work or class. I'm going to take my boys' cue now, though, and get some shut-eye. 6am comes quite early ;)

Exploring history

While I was planning to write yesterday, I got very distracted on Ancestry.com looking at family history and trying to find not only my mom and dad's lineage, but my husband's as well. It's proving somewhat difficult on my side, as there is conflicting info or people with similar names, etc. I have gotten pretty solid info going back at least 4 or 5 generations on most of my grandparents sides.

Jason's family is more difficult. I've yet to find anything on his mother's side, and his dad's side only goes back to Jason's great grandparents on both sides. They all came over from Poland according to census records, but then the trail goes cold. It's frustrating! I really wanted to know.

I love learning about history, and finding out my great-great-grandfather was born in England and moved here when he was 2, married a girl from Missouri who's father was Canadian, is very interesting. I'm sure it goes even farther back, and I THOUGHT (not sure because again, conflicting info) we had Swedish and German and Dutch roots between my mom and dad's ancestors, as well as the definitive English and Canadian on my maternal grandfather's side.

Jason's definitely got Polish roots on both paternal grandparents sides, as they were both 1st generation Americans! I'm really hoping to find more to share with him.

We are shaped so much by not only our choices, personalities, those around us, likes, dislikes, but also the past: our lineage and ancestors. If it wasn't for each particular person meeting, marrying/having children together, for each of those generations, we would not be the exact person we are. We could be somebody totally different, inside and out! It's neat when you think about it in terms of you are who you are because of a unique set of circumstances, and choices made by every single ancestor you have!

I'm hoping to share some more info here if I find anything interesting :)

Throwback Thursday

Below is one of the few pictures I have of my Grandpa O. :( It was taken in April 1981.

(Check out the cool car seat, LOL)

Grandpa O, me (1 week old!) and Grandma O

Heather, me and Linda (my sisters) Dec 1982

From top: Dec 82 with sisters, 1983 (age 2) with my mom, Dec 83 or 84 at Grandpa Gregory's

From top: April 1987 Kindergarten; spring/summer 87 on first 2-wheeler;

 May 1987

Note the last picture above. I was 6 and my little cousin Martin was 3. This was after my paternal grandfather's funeral. I haven't seen Martin since I was about 8 or 9, I think. We were best buds here :)

Most school pictures ranging from 2nd through 5th I think.

Top left pic above was Christmas at my maternal grandfather's house. Bottom left as around my 12th birthday I think. My sister(s?) had given me a makeover.

July 1995 in NC with mom and nephew Christian

From top: 1995 with nephew Christian; Dec 1998; June 1999 with mom and dad

From Top: 98 or 99; May 2002 at our house; May 2002 in DC

From Top: May 2002 baby shower with Jason's grandma; July 29,2002 with E; First day home with E

From Top: Our happy little family July 2002 (soooo tired, LOL); me and E about 18 months; 2004

May 2005 as MOH for bestie Jill; 2008 (?) with sister Heather on ferry to Put-in-Bay

Next week, if he's cool with it, I have a ton of pics to share of Jason ;) We shall see!

When it gets the best of me...

When Ethan and Alex were babies, they slept through the night at a very young age. I'm talking 10 hours before 12 weeks old. I'm not saying this to make others jealous, or wonder what they are doing differently. In fact, in so many ways, I wish they hadn't been such "good" sleepers. Ethan actually started by about 6 weeks or so sleeping very long stretches after having been a pretty sleepy baby and having jaundice for over a month anyway. I think had we been successful with breastfeeding it would have been a much different story, not in a bad or good way, just different. I try not to beat myself up about that, I did what I could, the best I could, for as long as I could at that time, and then we did what was right at that time for our boys. Looking back, it wouldn't have made a difference, at least for E. I was worried he wasn't gaining weight, but he's still very thin and on the taller side. But minimal education and experience with breastfeeding, coupled with some PPD and major anxiety, not eating enough, drinking enough water, or resting enough, I really couldn't breastfeed him with the resources I had. By the time Alex was born, I had already been through the struggle and switch to formula, so I prepared myself for "failure" and when it became the same struggle, I did what was right for us at the time, again. *Note: just because you decide not to breastfeed, or choose to stop at anytime and use formula does NOT make you a failure. I was a failure, in my own mind, for not succeeding in something I had set my mind to do. Please, please know this is not a judgement on anyone, but just how I felt about MYSELF at the time*

Actually I've gone off on a tangent, so back to my topic at hand. Even though E and Alex slept so well, I did not. I was up probably once an hour checking on them in their bassinet, while they were still there till about 12 weeks, and then in their crib in their own room. When Alex was a baby, he and Ethan shared a room, with E in his toddler bed and then twin bed. Even after that point, when I would go in to check on Alex, I HAD to check on Ethan. I was driven by an unseen force within myself to make sure they were ok. It wasn't enough to see the rise and fall of their little chest, I had to lay my hand gently on their tummy and feel them breathing. Every. Hour. Of. Every. Night. For. Years. Probably until about the time Alex was 2 or so.

Fast forward to when Jackson was born. He's only recently started sleeping through the night on a more consistent basis. In fact for the first 5 or 6 months, the only way either of us got any sleep was if we co-slept on the reclining couch in the living room and that happened nearly every night and for many more over the next several months. Even when he would sleep in the crib for a few hours, I was never as anxious as I was with the older two.

He's been sleeping maybe 10 or so hours a night 2-3 nights a week and 6-7 most other nights. It's been nice and the transition has been peaceful. My anxiety hadn't seemed to rear it's ugly head.

The other night, I was lying in bed, unable to sleep and listening to Jas snoring and the soft, stuffy-nose breathing of my toddler, my mind began racing. Something made me get up. It was silly, really, and totally unnecessary. But I needed to check on Ethan and Alex, make sure they were ok. I needed to see and feel their chests rising as they breathed so slowly in their sleep, dreaming away in their cozy beds.

After checking on them, and knowing they were just fine, I went back to bed and was finally able to sleep.

Since then, I've been thinking. I had thought my anxiety had gone, but now I realize something. It's never gone anywhere, it's transformed. It's come out in a different way.

I worry about how their day is at school. Up until recently, when I drop them off in the morning, I'd walk them both in and make sure they made it to their lockers or classroom door. Even now, when I just drop them off in the parking lot, I catch myself watching them walk into the building before I pull away (luckily, it's a short walk and I have to wait for the automatic van door to close, so I'm not being an a*%hole and holding up the line for a super-long time).

I panic when they ride the 4-wheeler/atv or mini-bike at my in-laws. The whole time they (just the older 2 go right now) are down there for a week or several days in the summer, I worry that they will get lost or run away from their grandparents, or get hurt, or whatever *Note: this is in no way because of my in-laws, I trust them implicitly with our boys. I just have an irrational fear of them being hurt and me not being there to comfort them, or worse :( *

At the first sign of a cough or sickness, in my head, I panic. I wonder if it's some strange illness and if they will be ok. If they say they have a headache or a tummy-ache, my mind shoots right to the worst possibility.

Even though, every day, this anxiety threatens to overwhelm me, I've learned to control it in someways.

My stomach churns, my heart races, I feel dizzy or like I have the chills, but outwardly I try my best to stay calm. It's not always possible, but I'm trying. I keep the concerns about serious illness or injury to myself and just watch, wait and take them to the doctor if needed, never mentioning to them and giving them undue concern. I let them continue to ride the atv and mini-bike, all the while standing there with fist clenched, and willing them to slow down a bit.

I will not let MY anxiety and fear hold them back. I may already have in someways, but no more. They must have fun and be children and enjoy life while learning and growing up, but not too fast. I need to enjoy them and my own life.

It's not even just about them, the anxiety, the worries. I panic when I haven't heard from Jason if he goes somewhere and says "I'll be home in a few hours" or by such and such time. I call him, and text him, not to annoy him, or because I don't trust him, but because I worry about him. He is my everything. My life. My love. My world. Without him, I am only half a person.

I worry about my parents, especially my dad. So when my mom calls at an odd time, or tries to reach me on both phones and with a text, I automatically think he's ill or in the hospital.

I worry about silly things. I worry about serious things. I panic when we go over a certain bridge in Ohio, especially if the wind is bad. I have a fear of drowning in the car. An overwhelming, irrational fear. I don't have the best night vision, so it's hard for me to drive when it's dark, and I try to overcompensate and I panic a little, driving slower and stiffly at the wheel. At night and in the rain or snow, I won't even attempt unless there's absolutely no way around it. I can't stand near the edge of a cliff or even by the windows of a very high building looking out with out being dizzy or starting to panic. Elevators freak me out a bit, especially when a certain someone decides it's funny to jump up and down in them. Rationally, I know the elevator is safe and won't break from that. But I'm not usually rational in that moment, and I get a lump in my throat and my heart starts racing. How do I explain that? Because after, when I'm calm and collected on the inside like I am on the outside, I KNOW it's really ok, but I want him to understand how I feel in the moment and why I say please don't do that.

I think sometimes my anxiety comes out in anger towards the boys. I want to keep them safe, so when they don't listen or do something that could cause them harm, I get mad and yell. Mind you, it's not always an actual safety issue. It could be them running through the house, and for me, I foresee them running into something, or tripping and bumping their head. I'm not saying they should be running in the house ;) but it's probably not as big of a deal as I make it out to be.

So even after thinking for so long that I had beaten it, that I had gotten the better of it, at least in someways, I really just hide it better, keep it inside better, deal with it better. It's getting worse again though. So if you see me start to panic, look me in the eye and remind me that it's all ok. I'm safe. They are safe. And give me a hug. Because sometimes that's all I really need. Right then. From you. Whoever you are.

All I want and all I NEED!

Yeah. This.

Even if he was making fun of the song, doing a little weird dance ;)

I love you, Jason!!!!!!!

Change of plans

Meal plans that is!

If you've been following us for a while, you'll know that about a month ago, we decided to give the paleo diet a trial, including using the emeals paleo meal plan.

We've tried many a new recipe during the last month, some we liked, some we didn't. Technically, we only followed the paleo guidelines for one meal a day, as the breakfast and lunch menus we were using had more classic-style meals with grains included.

About 3 weeks in, Jackson started to eat less and less of the dinners, and while I know many will say, oh he won't starve himself, etc, it became a struggle to get him to eat even one bite some nights. No veggies and very little meat. He has also cut back a lot on nursing, some days not even nursing at all. Needless to say, he would need to eat something, and would usually have a small snack an hour or so after dinner. By the beginning of the fourth week, I was resorting to something I did not want to do - making a separate meal for him.

Jason and I decided to switch the emeals plan to classic and also throw some of our old stand-by's in there (tacos, spaghetti, burgers).

We do have some new favorites and a lot of different types of veggies we will be eating more often so at least our diets are more varied than ever before.

The older boys were quite adventurous when it came to eating the meals, trying at least on bite of everything served to them. Even if they didn't like something, they were very polite about it and honest about what they didn't like - too sour, too spicy, etc.

While we only gave it a few weeks, we did learn it just isn't right for us at this stage of our lives. Sometimes you just have to know when enough is enough.  The toddler has hit that stage where he wants familiarity. And there's nothing wrong with that. I just have to make sure it's healthy and decent variety.

I am still glad we decided to try the menu planning site though, as there have been many, many recipes that I would never have found or tried otherwise.

On that note, we had Italian bread pizzas tonight made with freshly shredded mozzarella and turkey pepperoni (I didn't like the pepperoni very much...). Ethan, Alex and Jackson all had cranberry-cream cheese coffee cake for breakfast. It wasn't really a huge hit, although Alex seemed to really like it. Jason took some broccoli, ham and cheese corn muffins to work. Alex took some of the muffins, yogurt in a thermos, sliced pears and water, E had a turkey and cheese on whole wheat, yogurt in a thermos, sliced pears and water, and Jackson had a pb&j on whole wheat - cut into the shape of Elmo's head! - and orange juice. Oh and I stuck a kit-kat in each of the boys' lunch bags.

We still have some candy sorting and trading to do and then they can decide if they'd like a gift card or a toy for the candy they can't have. I also picked up some dye-free (organic!) suckers and gummy bears that they like, as well as some yogurt-covered pretzels that they can trade some of the candy for. I've been thinking we will keep the m&m's, skittles, and sweet tarts to use for a gingerbread house in December. Maybe we can send some of the rest of their candy to soldiers overseas? I wouldn't even know where to start with that, though.