Refocusing

Today, as I sit here, wondering what my day holds, I think. I think about tomorrow. I think about all the activities we have planned over the next few weeks, from Choi Kwang Do to Cub Scouts, from Religious Education/Confirmation classes and retreats (!) to wedding and receptions. I think about how something has to give on some of those days. Compromise must be found in some areas.

We won't be giving up the boys' activities. It's good for them, physically, mentally, socially. I've seen them grow so much over the last few weeks taking Choi. Alex is really looking forward to Scouts this year and all that being a Webelos Scout entails!

Religious Ed and Confirmation classes are a bit of a struggle with them being opposite weekends and on Saturdays, but it works with the rest of our activities. It does mean we can't go to out of town events for family and friends on a whim, or even not on a whim, very easily. A friend of mine is getting married in a couple of weeks and while I'd love to drive down and celebrate, we just won't be able to. A week later, 2 friends of the family are having their reception about an hour from us, and E has his second Confirmation class that same day, at the same time. So, in the spirit of compromise, I'm going to tell Jason to go, take Alex if he wants, but I'm staying home with Jack. You see, E's class isn't just class. It's followed by Mass at 5pm (mandatory, and I do wish we could just attend Sunday morning in place of it, but it's to make it more of a mini-retreat/community event for the Confirmation 1 and 2 students) which he must have an adult - preferably parent - attend with him, and then youth group till 8:30pm. If I felt comfortable dropping him at 2:30, we could show up a little late for the reception, and then be back in time to get him. But I was unaware last week about a parent needing to be there during Mass. I thought that they would have all of the students sit in a group, and that would be that. When I went to pick him up, I was informed otherwise. Either my husband or I needed to drive back for Mass, or he would need another family to allow him to sit with them. Technically I have one family I could ask, but I don't know them very well. I'm on the fence. As the date approaches, I will make a final decision.

That's not really what I wanted to share today though. All of this worrying and focusing on the future. On tomorrow. On changing things. On what hasn't happened yet. Or may not ever.

Our future looks bright. But it's just that. It's the future. We don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, next week, next year. We aren't guaranteed anything but today.

Changes will come. Some may be bigger, and I hate being in limbo, but I can't change that. I can't change the "not knowing". The waiting. The wondering. But I can just put it on the back burner, and just wait and see what happens. Because whatever is going to happen, is going to happen. We all have to roll with it.

So today, I'm refocusing. Refocusing on what does matter. On what I can change. On decisions and choices I can make today. Good or bad, my day, my outlook, depends on ME!

One thing I'm refocusing on is myself. I haven't ran or exercised in just over a month. I left my tennis shoes at my parents last month, and have yet to retrieved them. I did find my old pair of sketchers in the mini-van, and while they aren't in wonderful condition, they fit, are comfortable and aren't falling to pieces. I am recommitting to spending 30 mins a day doing something, running if I can, or Wii Fit, or whatever.

My eating habits also took a step backwards. I'm eating more junk food, we aren't eating nearly enough veggies, and I've chosen to start drinking pop again. While I have somehow (we do still eat better than we did, with at least most dinners being mostly paleo) managed to maintain my nearly 13 lb weight loss, I haven't lost anymore. I'm doing ok so far today: eggs fried in coconut oil, baby carrots, a banana and water for breakfast. The plan is to edge back towards the way we were eating a couple of months ago. Because guess what?

My body doesn't like me right now. My sleep is crappy, my skin isn't as clear, my mind is a groggy mess and I can't focus. My moods are all over the place (not that they were perfect even during the Whole30, but I felt more stable, able to handle my anger, and not sad, moody, depressed feeling. I was happy more often than not) and I'm yelling way, way too much. I can't think straight. This is the first time I've been able to sit and write a whole post. And it still feels like a jumbled pile of words. My tummy bothers me some, and I'm getting headaches from caffeine withdrawals.

What else am I going to do? Hopefully declutter this house some. I'm going to just take it one room at a time, get rid of things, box up too-small clothes, donate things we don't need or want. Make room to enjoy our family time.

I'm also going to try to be more present. Get down on the floor and play with the boys, go for a bike ride, play a board game or video game as a family, take a walk at a park. Things we should do, and tend to neglect because we get busy, and then when we aren't, I just want to sit and do nothing. But I've noticed I'm doing nothing an awful lot right now. Or dismissing them, and saying just give me another minute to watch this, or read this, or even write this.

So today, not tomorrow, I'm going to start changing the one and only thing I can change, MYSELF. And by doing that, I'm going refocus on what's truly important in my life - My family and myself.

School Daze (and we haven't even started yet!)

We had Open House at school last night. It was hectic, for sure. Always is. Tons of kids, grades K through 12 with parents and siblings, coming to find out their teacher, or schedule (6-12) and meet all of their teachers, and determine where all their classes are. Meeting the resource room teacher.

Poster in the Special Education Director's office

Alex is in the same classroom E was in for 5th grade. The teacher isn't the same, well kind of. She was the long-term sub when E's teacher was on maternity leave. That teacher has since moved to a different position and the teacher who subbed took over 2 years ago. So we've had some experience with her. She is nice and had her classroom all laid out with the books they will use, what kind of work she'd like to see on book reports, etc. They are going to do 6 book "projects" this year, where they read a book of their choosing - teacher-approved, of course - and then make a small project, such as a poster, brochure, diorama, etc, and then do a short oral presentation.

He doesn't know what days they have specials yet, but should be taking computers, art, music, gym and Spanish again this year. Last year, and throughout summer, Alex said he wanted to play soccer, but the last two weeks he changed his mind. After I signed him up. I even had all the paperwork at home filled out and ready to turn in last night. He had decided that he would at least sign up and go to the first practice to get practice and game info. His biggest reason for changing his mind? Cub scouts and Choi Kwan Do! He wants to make sure he has enough time to do both of those! What a smart kiddo. Well at least he wasn't to s ad when I realized I'd forgotten all the paperwork at home last night! He actually made sure to tell me that he was absolutely fine with it and he'd much rather work on earning belts at Choi, and awards in Scouts.

Alex was a little upset last night when he saw the class list for his teacher. While he knows several kids in his class, and he knew his best friend and a couple of other good friends wouldn't be in his class (they are in 4th grade and there's no 4/5 split this year), he had hoped a certain good friend would be in his class. Unfortunately he's in the other class. I was proud of him though, because he took it in stride and remembered that they would have lunch and recess together as well as all of his 4th grade friends :)

E is rotating classes this year. It's his first year rotating, because, as you may know, even though he's been in a regular education classroom with no aide since the beginning of 3rd grade, he was in a self-contained "elementary style" classroom for 6 & 7. They have such a large class size for his grade, that it's been split into 3 sections for all of middle school. Previously, due to interest from many families, they had 2 rotating sections - A & B - and one self-contained section - C. Because of the school size, logistics almost required it to be like that as well. At the end of last year, they did a survey asking if there was interest in staying with a SC class, and over the summer we received a letter stating that there was little to no interest, so there would be 3 rotating classes. The high school building was under construction during the summer and there was a small addition put on to one of the hallways. That will now be used for one of the sections of 8th grade. Section "A" was always seen as the "advanced" class, while not honors, they seemed to work at a slighter quicker pace. "B" did all the same curriculum but the pace may have been different. The kids have all been at the same levels for learning basically. They took the kids from self-contained last year and split them between B and C. No biggie. I was a little concerned about E being in B, because of the pace. He's smart and usually ahead in many subjects. B & C will be in the 4-8 building, while A will be in the high school. I was also concerned about him not having algebra this year, which is required for him to go to International Academy next year, should he apply.

I voiced my concerns last night, and I'm so glad I did. The HS resource room teacher made sure to talk to the vice principal for me, and I received a call today!

She wanted to reassure me, that although they aren't teaching Algebra as a class, they are offering the Algebra test for the students! They do it in April, and if they pass, they get credit for taking the class. Sometime in January, E's math teacher should give us some study topics (not a specific study guide and they won't actually be teaching it) to practice with, and they do apparently use an Algebra book (?). Also she wanted me to know that the only reason they didn't put him in "A" was because it's his first time rotating, and they didn't want to throw him into a whole new thing to quick. Since it will be a rotating section AND in the high school vs the middle school building that he knows well. She said if he does really well with rotating - handling transitions, frustrations, etc - as well as his grades, we can revisit it and consider switching him at the end of Trimester 1!!

So, now it comes down to this: Should we just let the math take it's course, or should we do some "homeschooling" for Algebra? And I don't mean extra practice. Basically a real class. Where I go get the Algebra book and Teacher's book, and we sit every day and have a half-hour lesson. More formal than just practice. So he doesn't feel like he has to just figure it out on his own. He's a very visual learner, and I think he will need to be taught some of the concepts he's never been introduced to. I know homeschooling isn't something Jason and I agree on, but they are still going to a traditional school. I'm just thinking of something extra, to give him an advantage when it comes to going to the school he wants to go to for high school. It's not about what I want here, it's about helping him. If the school isn't going to have a traditional Algebra class, but they are willing to test him to pass it, then he needs to actually be taught some of it, right? Thankfully, for him and I, math is fairly easy for him and one of his favorite subjects (math and science are top right now, followed closing by history. Of course he loves to read so reading is not too far behind. Writing and gym are definitely at the bottom of the list, though!), so even though it's not my best subject, with the help of some good textbooks, I think we will be just fine.

E has Art for 1st hour for Trimester 1, which he loves. MTSS(math/reading standards)(M,W-F)/Computers (T), Math, Reading, Social Studies, Lunch, Science and finally Writing. I think it's fortunate that 3 of his best subjects and one of his absolute favorites are in the morning, and his top favorite is right after lunch. He'll be able to concentrate without being hungry on Science. His least favorite is at the end of the day, after lunch and he can look forward to going home after. Hopefully he will get along with all of his teachers, and also continue to deal with frustration and transitions well. His perfectionist attitude has been coming out a lot in Choi Kwan Do, and we've been talking about it daily. I know that it can affect not only his attitude but his assignments, others' responses to him and the atmosphere in the classroom. Two of the teachers are new to the school this year (MTSS and Science), 1 (reading) worked in the preschool before but is new to the MS, 2 (Math and SS) have never taught E but we've talked and they know him, 1(writing) he had in an earlier grade and she knows his difficulties, but hasn't taught him in several years, and the computer teacher I'm not sure about. The art teacher is pretty awesome. He's been there since the school opened 12 years ago, and E had him in 6th and 7th grade. Mr G actually chose Ethan for the Spirit award for his classroom last year and said he saw how much he'd grown and how hard he'd worked on dealing with his frustrations! E is looking forward to Tuesday morning :)

I really need to help Little J  with his potty-training. It's so hit or miss, and I know better than to rush or force it, but I'd really like to have him fully potty-trained day and night by January (October would be better ;) ). I want to put him in preschool at least part-time, during the day, so I can pursue some dreams of my own. More on that later, once the plans are set in stone.

Learning to listen to my gut, figuratively and literally

If you've been following me on Facebook or Instagram - here or here - (or both!), then you know I started a new "journey" almost a month ago. What you may not know is the background and what the outcome is so far.

I had heard of Whole30 in passing on social media before but had never really done any research. One day, I was just sitting here and clicked over to read some more about it. I posed a question on my private FB page as well as the blog page, asking if anyone had done it, or was interested in doing it. I got some great feedback and decided it was worth a try. I ordered the book It Starts With Food: Discover the Whole30 and change your life in unexpected ways. We went on vacation and I read about half of it on the road trip. I was convinced that it was worth trying.

30 days of real fresh food.
No (added) sugar or artificial sweeteners, including honey and maple syrup - added fruit juice is the exception.
No alcohol.
No soy.
No legumes (beans/peanuts/peas/lentils).
No grains (wheat/rice/corn/oats, gluten-free or otherwise, no quinoa, etc).
No dairy.
No "vegetable" or seed oils.

What's left to eat? Meat, including chicken, beef and pork among many others, seafood, and of course eggs. Vegetables and fruits. Healthy saturated fats (read the book and you will understand HOW that is possible!!) like clarified butter/ghee, duck or goat fat, tarrow or lard (!), coconut oil/milk/butter/"meat", olive oil and some nuts and nut butters.

Not so bad!

For nearly 25 full days, I ate really good - minus day 1 when I had soy from my canned tuna, and one day last week when I made the mistake of ordering sweet potato fries at a restaurant. I say mistake because I had made sweet potato fries at home, baked in the oven, with coconut oil and didn't think about it. Of course they were fried at the restaurant, and my brain didn't catch up to my eyes seeing how yummy they looked. Oh well, I only ate a small portion.

I've had some amazing results so far. My digestion has been better, my skin is clearing up on my upper arms where I've had a rash-like acne for years, my shorts are fitting looser, my brain/thinking has been clearer and my sleep has been amazing! I went from having very bad gas as well as weekly issues with *ahem* diarrhea (sorry, TMI) to having little to no gas and not having to use any anti-diarrheal medicine! I've even been told by a couple people - including my awesome MIL - that they see a difference in my size. I honestly can't wait to see my weight at the end of this on the 25th.

I am eating more often, 3 meals a day, and in reality, bigger meals most times, but also so many more veggies and fruit. I feel full and stay full. No real snacking and my cravings are virtually non-existent.

When we started, and I use the word "we" loosely, as my husband and sons are eating most of the same stuff as me for dinner, but are also still eating dairy and grains (mostly at breakfast and lunch) and a little sugar, I thought it would be hard to give all of that up. Especially pop. I was drinking one to two 20-oz Pepsi's a day. Giving it up cold turkey normally gives me a gigantic headache by about day 3 and I give in. This time I did not experience any headaches! I can only attribute that to the fact that I was also feeding my body real food, good-for-me food and my body finally had something to work with. And no, I'm not drinking coffee or tea, either! No caffeine at all for the last 25 days.

As I said above, for nearly 25 full days, I ate this way.

Yesterday, we drove to our hometown in Ohio, and went to a benefit for a friend's mom who is battling cancer. Knowing there may or may not be Whole30 compliant food there, I chose to eat a Larabar before going, and then made the determination to just do the best I could.

At first, it was easy. Pulled pork and shredded beef were available (with bbq sauce on the side, so that was easier, too) and carrots, celery and olives. I had some of the pork w/o sauce, some carrots and a couple of green and black olives. On that note, I realized I do not like whole olives, they are far too salty for me, and I'd much rather have them in a dish or on a salad.

After watching my older two sons and the rest of our family eating the mac and cheese, baked beans, and of course dessert, I thought to myself "What harm could come from having just a little?" I went back for some more food, this time choosing some beef w/o sauce, a small scoop of macaroni and cheese as well as the baked beans, and a small slice of cheesecake. I ate all of it but half of the piece of cheesecake. I felt just fine and figured one meal is okay.

We drove home and I felt very sleepy, which isn't unusual during a car ride for me, and by the time we got home, I was ready for bed. After getting our youngest son changed into pajamas and in bed, and giving hugs and kisses to the older boys, I literally fell into bed.

Fast forward a few hours to the middle of the night, around 3:15. I wake up from a sound sleep in the middle of dream, thinking I heard someone crying. Nope, nobody else is awake. I was wide awake for about 45 mins, just before 4 and then fell asleep until 8:30 when little J actually was calling for us.

This morning, I am feeling the after-effects of eating those things I've abstained from for the past 3 weeks. I could barely open my eyes, don't feel rested at all, and am quite groggy. My brain feels cloudy, if that makes sense. Almost like I was drinking last night. My stomach is a mess, just not feeling 100% and definitely gassy and bloated. :(

While I don't like the way I feel, I am glad I have a little confirmation that certain foods do affect me negatively. It gives me incentive and a renewed drive to continue eating Whole30 or at least paleo.

Change can be hard

even if and when it is needed. Sometimes, the desired change is better in theory than in action.

And, sometimes, maybe, just maybe, that change is much easier than anticipated.

Thankfully, this has been one of those times.

Let me set the stage. Explain how it all started. Way back in January (ha!), I made up a list of goals for each of the boys. Including Jackson. Knowing full well that all of his personal goals for the year would be implemented by mom and dad. Knowing at least a few were huge life changes for such a little guy.

Fast forward to Friday, sometime before 4am, the bazillionth time of Jack waking up, and me just moving him to our bed so I *selfishly* - my words - could get a little more sleep. The kicking, and squirming, and hands in the face started. Not really an ideal situation for any of the three of us to get more sleep. Jason spouted off to me - as nicely as he could for 4am while tired - that I really need to just put him back in his bed, etc. I lost it, telling him, yes that would be nice but he is wide awake now, hates the crib, etc. A *ahem* disagreement ensued, until about 10 mins or so later, Jackson and I headed to the living room to read 9 books (yes I counted!) and then watched Sprout for a bit.

6am rolls around, and Jason is ready to walk out the door and another small discussion occurs. I'm at my wit's end. I just want ALL of us to be happy, comfortable and sleeping well. Jackson doesn't really have a "schedule" when it comes to sleep. I'm tired of sleeping on the couch with him several partial nights a week and Jason doesn't want him in our bed because then he can't sleep for work and school.

After taking the boys to school, Jackson and I got to work. I sorted through the closet and all the garage sale/donation items still in the guest bedroom to make a list for next year's taxes, and placed all the bags and boxes for donation on the front porch temporarily. Then I moved the queen mattress, and box spring to the family room, as it was too heavy to move anywhere else alone. After taking apart the bed frame (just a simple metal frame), and moving that also, Jackson's clean clothes were moved from his dresser to the identical dresser already inside of his closet that was being used for storage. He doesn't have a lot of clothes to hang up, so it's perfect. With how heavy the dresser is, I like it out of his reach. He can't yet open the folding closet doors, so that's a blessing. Since the first dresser was now empty, it was also sat in the family room. Next was Ethan's desk, which got completely cleaned out and sorted through, before finding it's new home - also in the family room, but the only thing moved that will stay there. 3 trash bags and lots of heavy furniture later, the room was almost completely empty. We have a small wooden bedside table that we left, but removed the door and latch from so now it's a good cubby or possibly bookshelf for Jack.

In need of a new bed for Jack, as I know how much he dislikes the crib, he and I searched online and came across a Disney Pixar's Cars bed for less than $70! We are still going to use the crib mattress, and he loved the bed. It turns out Toys R Us carries the bed, as well as the right size bedding also in the Cars theme, so I ordered them to be picked up in store that day. We had to wait until after school to go get them, and when we did we also got another baby gate and a light-up Cars wall art.

When Jason got home, boy, was he surprised to see me putting together a new bed in an almost empty room, as he had no clue what I had planned. He had to help me finish, as it was a bit more difficult than I anticipated, but was a breeze with his help. Thankfully he also made some fish sticks and fries for the boys for a quick dinner.

After the boys had eaten, and we had our own dinner of Zen Salmon and a side salad, it was time to have Jackson check out his room. We moved some toys in there and made his bed all up for him. He climbed right in and laid down for a second. Since he wasn't sure what to think, and said "not bedtime, mommy" I figured, oh boy, this isn't going to be very easy, but we shall see...

Much to my surprise, come 9pm, he willingly went to his room, climbed in bed (coolest part for him I think!) and laid down. "Blanket, pweese, mommy?" All snuggled up, with his monkey by his side, we read a few books, and his eyes got heavy with sleep. After several slow blinks, his eyes opened no more, so I stood to leave after a few more minutes and finishing the book we had started, to ensure he was asleep. I shut off the light, and up popped his little head, with a frantic little voice saying "no mommy! turn on light!" I instead turned on his wall art, and went back to his bedside and sang several nursery rhymes, before running out and resorting to amazing grace and jingle bells :) This time he was surely asleep. I just had to quietly "sneak" out the door, and over the newly placed baby gate (he can open the door, and we don't want him to wander to the basement stairs or something in the dark, his door stays open, we can clearly hear him, and any of us, including his brothers, if need be, can easily lift him out in an emergency.) So now it's 9:30, and he's fast asleep in his own bed, in his own room, and the other two boys are ready for bed too. After "good night's" all around, even mama is tired and heads to bed. I figured I'd be up in a couple of hours with an unhappy toddler.

Well I was right about being up, but very wrong about the reason. He stayed fast asleep. I, however, woke up almost every two hours, worried, and had to peak in on him! He did wake once at 4, needing a diaper change, but it was sort of funny how it happened. I had woken for what felt like the umpteenth time, but just to use the bathroom myself, and on my way there, I walk right by his door. I heard a faint voice talking inaudibly, and then the unmistakable "mommy, diaper? MOMMY, diaper change, pweese?" I quietly entered his room, changed his diaper without taking him out of his bed and therefore barely disturbing him. I don't even think he opened his eyes, and he went right back to sleep until just before six.

Talk about change! I thought, oh it MUST be a fluke. Surely, this barely 25 month old little boy who has needed to cuddle almost every night of his life, couldn't possibly be growing up so much so fast! I mean, he stop nursing less than 2 months ago, had his second birthday just over 6 weeks ago, had thumb surgery on Monday and freaked out a bit after waking from the anesthesia, crying uncontrollably for me until they came and got me - thankfully only a couple of minutes - and now he was willingly going to bed in his own bed. AND sleeping through the night?! Impossible!!

Wow. I've been a fool. I honestly didn't think he was ready. Apparently, having his own "real" bed - as well as room - was what he needed. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to buy him a bed a couple of months ago at a mom-to-mom sale, but Jason had said nah, we didn't need it because he didn't have his own room, he just needed to sleep in the crib. Well we were BOTH wrong. Me for not thinking he was ready, and Jas for thinking the crib was just as good or better than a big boy bed.

Last night went smoothly as well. After watching Free Birds, and having pizza for dinner, Jackson got a quick bath before we sat and watched Ender's Game, during which he bounced back and forth between mom and dad, and even went to lay down for a few minutes. He wasn't ready to fall asleep though and wanted some cuddle time with Jason, during which he fell asleep. After the movie was over, Jason was able to lay him down without waking him - let me tell you what, it's much easier in a small bed than into a crib! - and he slept until about 4am again! After a diaper change, I sang him back to sleep until just after 6 when he woke up yelling "mommy, daddy, move gate?? PWEESE??" Instead, E decided to go in there and play cars and trains and go-go's with him and Alex joined him a few minutes later.

Two days in, and while I still woke a couple times to check on him, I did sleep a bit better myself last night, and he is gaining some confidence and sleeping longer stretches for sure! Plus, it's nice not getting kicked in the head or stomach or back ;)

So we can officially mark off "move to his own room" and "transition to toddler bed" off of Jackson's 2014 goals!! Now just to start potty training...

Oh and an update on his thumb! (This was also on our Health goals for 2014 - "Jackson's thumb surgery") I never shared a post about it, even though I meant to. Monday, we had to drive down to the D to be at the children's hospital there at 6:45, and hit a couple small snags. The first was just a bit of heavy traffic, and then the parking garage cost $3, up front, cash only. Oops, I didn't know that, having never been to this particular hospital, so I had to drive around until I found an ATM, and pull out some cash. That stunk as it cost me an extra $3 ATM fee! After finally parking, we were able to enter, only 30 minutes late now, at this point. My cell phone rings loudly, as I'm trying to contain Jackson's excitement for a new place, and figure out where we are supposed to go. Oh great the hospital calling. I answer, explain what happens and am told to go to admitting/reception to check in and then proceed to the surgical reception area after that. I checked Jack in and read him a couple of books while we wait. Finally, we get called back to fill out the paperwork, and I'm told we have an estimated patient responsibility of blah, blah, blah, will I be paying anything on it today? No, not today - we are STILL dealing with the other hospital mishap in billing for his other surgery, and I'm not interested in making a payment until I know the exact, correct amount from our insurance company and receive an actual bill, besides the fact that it's almost 2k for this... - she says something, half under her breath, about how they really like you to pay something the day of service. Oh, well sorry, don't have it today, I think to myself. She goes back to get something from the printer for me to sign, stating I understand the estimated bill, and here's where to send it, etc, and I hear her talking to another admissions lady. One says "oh, you have one too?" Other "yeah, ugh." something else that sounded like "I hate when they do that." but I couldn't be sure. Oh really? Great customer service so far...

Time to head to the surgical reception area, where we sat for just a few minutes, until called back to the "check-in" pre-op area. He was weighed and measured - almost 30 lbs and just shy of 36 inches - and checked over. The orthopedic surgeon, nurses, anesthesiologist all came over to talk to me and go over what would happen. His thumb was marked and we waited for what felt like just 2 minutes! They had me change him into hospital pants, socks and a gown, but Jackson was angry at me for taking off his car/truck jammies! No gown for him, just pants and socks. Then it was time for mom to put on a gown, cap, and mask - I got to go back with him, while they put him to sleep! YAY! much better, as he did not want me to leave or to leave me. We laid him down, and they put the mask on. He was not happy at all :( He cried and yelled, but was so brave too. After just a few seconds he started to drift off to sleep. I gave him a kiss and was escorted back to the pre-op area. Within 15 minutes, the surgeon came out to tell me the surgery was done, and went well. In just a few minutes, he'd be waking up and they should be able to bring him to me. After what seemed like forever, a nurse came to get me and take me the post-op wake-up recovery room, as he was upset and unable to calm himself. Jackson was very happy to see me, as I was him. He cuddled right up, and stopped crying within moments, drank some juice and fell back asleep. We moved back to the pre-op/recovery area, and waited for a bit. He woke up, had some more juice, and we sat for a few minutes. The nurse came in and checked him over. The anesthesiologist came in and said he was ready to go home :) IV was removed, we got him dressed and went over at-home instructions. He went back at 8:25 and I was signing check-out papers at 9:25!! How's that for awesome!? The morning didn't start out great, but the nurses, doctors and staff (besides admitting) were so kind, helpful and patient! We will definitely be using this hospital for any future needs for any of the boys - which hopefully won't be anytime soon of course.

We were able to remove the gauze in two days, but I did change it once after the first day, as it got quite dirty while he ate. Then the steri-strips fell off on their own by Friday, and the incision is almost completely healed already! They also used that glue stuff to seal it. His thumb and palm were quite swollen and bruised the first couple of days, and the bruising has slowly gone away as well as the swelling. It's still slightly swollen and sore, though no longer purple, and he doesn't like it getting cleaned after meals. We have to be super gentle but I don't want anything getting in there, or it getting infected. Bath time is the easiest time to get it clean of course, so we just do the best we can right after eating, and then clean it well at during his bath and let it kind of soak in the bubbles :) Bubble baths have become our best friend this week! Actually, we had to add more baby bath soap to our grocery list, as we ran out yesterday!

On top of all that, Alex managed to injure his foot on Wednesday during gym class while jumping rope. Instead of stopping, he continued to jump, went through the day limping and walked over to the HS for play rehearsal when it started hurting even worse. He went back to his classroom and then finally to the office to call me to pick him up early from rehearsal (he didn't even last 15 minutes!). I picked him and Ethan up rather than drive back a 3rd time that day to get E at 6:30, and we went home. Making sure his foot was ok, I made him stay off of it for the rest of the day, and sit out of gym class on Thursday. He just pulled or twisted something in the top of his foot when he landed funny on his toes. I let him know that he really should have stopped jumping right away, and kept off of it for a bit until the pain was gone, and that he got very lucky he didn't cause himself serious harm! He promised if anything like that happens again, he'll stop, take a break, and call one of us if necessary, so we can see the dr to make sure it's just a strain. Alex is fine now, and although it did hurt a little yesterday after we left Skyzone, he said it wasn't too bad at all. I reminded him that if he needs to stop jumping rope in gym this week because it hurts again, that's fine! Luckily they have tomorrow off, so he can take it somewhat easy and stay off of it a bit more.

It's been a pretty crazy week! After all that, we spent a whole day ticking things off of our winter fun list! Look for a nice, long post tomorrow for that. We had such a fun family day yesterday, and even though mom and dad are a little under the weather, we made the most of it, that's for sure. Jason is at City Airport for little while today, and plans to go tomorrow for a while too - he's off of work for the holiday at his regular job - so we are just having a lazy morning around here. Grocery shopping in a bit, maybe after Jason gets home, by myself. I don't know that we could all survive a busy Sunday morning grocery store visit. Although, they could help pick out things they want for snacks...
 

this...

Sometimes, you just have to walk away from things that are causing more problems than they are helping. By doing so, you can commit more fully to the people and things that mean the most to you and have been there the longest - for me, that's my husband and my boys.

It sounds like an excuse, but it's so much more than that.
When I decided to start being a Beachbody Coach, I didn't discuss it with Jason. I just jumped right in, with both feet. Now, while it may be a great fit for some people, I've struggled with it. I want to help people, help them get healthy and fit, learn to eat right, all the while doing the same for myself. But I feel like a.) nobody is interested or b.) nobody can afford to buy the workouts and/or shakes. Now I know what other coaches will say: It's not about selling. I get that, but to an extent it is. They need to find a workout that is their soul-mate workout, and there are so many good choices and the shakes are super healthy, but most people I know though just can't do it. I'm not good at reaching out to new people, either.  Not only has it been stressing me out, because I don't know what/how/who, even with my awesome team's help (it's truly not about them, it's all about what I can and can't do, handle and control), but we have been spending money on our own shakes as well as our business fees. This has caused some budgetary concerns - minor, but very real.

After the first of the year, our insurance went up, as did the 401k  deductions, and we are trying to save some money for some home improvements we want to do as well as other things. One more reason to cut expenses.

I am trying not to think of this as quitting or giving up on something, so much as re-prioritizing. Things need to change and this is where they can. We needed to take a long hard look at things, and really step back. I choose them, over ANYTHING else.

My commitment has been and always will be, first and foremost, to the love of my life, Jason, and our 3 sons, Ethan, Alex, and Jack. When I sat down and spoke with Jason about quitting being a coach, and my why's, we discussed openly and came to the conclusion that it's what's right for our whole family, because I'm struggling with it.

 Chains do not hold a marriage together.  It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years.  ~Simone Signoret

I love this quote, because for me those threads are our conversations, our fights, our compromises, our willingness to fight for one another and for our family unit.

I love being married.  It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.  ~Rita Rudner
 

I hope I don't annoy him too much, and even when he annoys me, I love him more than life.

What needs changing in YOUR life today? For me, it's hunkering down into our family more, and shutting out the world just a bit, while still sharing, growing, loving, and moving on from things that just don't fit. I'm thankful for the opportunity I had, and am not sorry I attempted. I did learn things, and will always be grateful for that. I feel like I've made some new friends along the way and reconnected with old acquaintances, too.

On to bigger and better things. Like my eldest son's school spelling bee in an hour. Yes, that's right, E won the class bee again this year, and goes to the next level. If he wins, it will be the charter school bee and possibly the Scripps regional bee again. Even if he doesn't make it, I'm proud of him and Alex for all their hard work in school. (Alex was disappointed because he didn't win his class bee, but he was happy for his good friend that did :) ) Oh, and of course, my writing, online and offline. I have had some book ideas floating around in my head for months now, and while they might not be any good at all, I need to get them on paper and share with someone...

2014 Goals: Part 3 - My personal goals

If you have been following this series, I hope that it's been motivating you to reach for your own goals. If you would like to read about our health goals or our money and home management goals, please feel free to go here: Part 1: Health goals and Part 2: Money and Home Management goals.

Personal Goals

1. Read 50 books this year. I hope to exceed this, but I'm starting low, because I don't always take time to sit and read.
2. Finish the project I'm knitting, as soon as figure out what it actually is ;)
3. Learn to crochet. JULIE!!!! lol
4. Keep practicing my German on Duolingo, getting through the entire series of lessons. There a 72 different sections with anywhere from 1-10 lessons in each section, depending on the topic. I have currently, as of 1/10/14 finished 7 sections, and 1 lesson from section 8. Most of these have been review from my High School German class days, though there have been a few new words.
5. Learn more Spanish, again using Duolingo. Struggling to get through this, but I am working on it. Again many sections, finished the basics (section 1), but am going through it again to practice.
6. Take an enrichment class over the Summer.
7. Step outside my comfort zone and do something I'm afraid of or wouldn't normally do.
8. Take a photography class.
9. Refurbish an old piece of furniture.
10. Repurpose something.
11. Learn something new.
12. Write a new blog post 3x a week (at least!) 
13. Get a tattoo.
14. Pick one thing off of my Pinterest boards - whether it's a craft, DIY, recipe, decorating idea, cleaning idea - each month and DO IT!!!
15. Volunteer. Either through our Parish or Diocese, or through some other organization. Considering the volunteer driver program or food pantry our Parish has, soup kitchen in Detroit, or maybe something like Habitat for Humanity. 

What I wore: Dressember #RealMomStyle

Since I'm doing Dressember this month, I've chosen to wear a dress Every.Single.Day. 

No big deal, right? 

Well most people who know me (and as I've shared here) I'm typically a jeans and T-shirt girl. Its the rare occasion that I dress up, especially the last few years as I've been struggling with my weight. The nice thing about doing the month-long commitment is that I'm doing something good and its getting me to take care of myself better. I have actually been caring more about my appearance and am having fun with this. I'm rotating between 7 different dresses and trying to change up how I wear (most) of them, whether it's a different pair of shoes or tights, some jewelry, a skirt over the dress, etc. 

Anyway, today was a pretty good day and we (the 3 boys and I) made it to 10am Mass at our parish. Its been far too long and we are trying to make an effort to change that. All three boys were very well-behaved. Alex got to go to the children's liturgy for ages 3-9 during the readings, Gospel and homily. E stayed with me and followed along nicely in the book. Jack sat on my lap and didn't mind being held. No crying and minimal talking and that was just me ;) In all seriousness though, Jack was quiet and when he did talk it was not horribly disruptive and got a few chuckles, even from Father Chris. He even used Jackson (by name) as an example of how to be, seeing everything in the world with wonder. 

On to what I wore today:

3/4 sleeve boho dress in Reddy Set Go (red)from Old Navy
Super opaque control top tights in Deep Red - No Nonsense from Meijer
Brown belt from Walmart
Andie tan fashion bootie SM New York from Sears

Linking up over at Thrifty and Chic Mom :)

Remember that I'm wearing dresses everyday for #dressember this month to help support a great cause, to raise awareness to end human trafficking and to raise money to support International Justice Mission in it's efforts to rescue victims of slavery and trafficking. Please consider donating, even just $1 can help! Go here to donate to my fundraiser: http://www.ijmfreedommaker.org/account/6874/Crystal-Hamernik#

Little Miss Suzie Homemaker and Dressember

 A few months ago, I heard about International Justice Mission and I started following them on Facebook. There's been many stories of human trafficking in recent years, even from around here, and my hometown is said to be one of the biggest areas for it!

When I saw IJM post last week about a campaign called Dressember, I read a little more about it, and thought to myself "Hey, I could do that!"

I have the freedom to wear what I want and do as I please (for the most part). It's cold here in Michigan this month, but that just means layers and tights. Besides, being cold just reminds me a bit more of the WHY behind wearing the dresses. Others have noticed what I'm wearing, and after the compliments, they ask why I'm dressed up. This has opened up conversations with a few people and they were surprised!

I think the biggest reason they want to know why I'm dressed up is because I've always been a jeans and t-shirt girl.

It's funny how that works though. There's been an unexpected side effect of this, even only 3 days in. Having always felt most comfortable in jeans, I'm finding that I feel differently about myself.

The perspective you get when wearing a skirt or a dress can be eye-opening. I feel more comfortable, even in heels, though I prefer my flats. I feel pretty, self-confident, feminine. Others pick up on that. They notice not just what you're wearing, but the attitude.

I'm having a lot of fun deciding on my outfit and accessories each morning. Taking seven dresses and changing the looks up to make a month's worth of clothes is challenging, in a good way! It's taking creativity already!

Hi-low dress (Walmart), sweater (Torrid), silver tights and leopard-print flats (for inside) (Old Navy), boots for outside

Also finding how easy it is to do anything in a dress is entertaining. Baby J and I went grocery shopping yesterday, something I've never done in heels and a dress (not weekly grocery shopping anyway, for over an hour!) and it was interesting, the looks from people. Not bad, just hmm...

Jason laughed at me yesterday when I took out the trash all dressed up, and then today I threw on an apron while I did dishes and laundry to keep my dress clean. If it had been jeans and a t-shirt, I wouldn't have bothered. I wouldn't have cared. I actually feel more pride in my appearance, not in a stuck-up way, but a "hey I deserve to take care of myself and look nice" kind of way, I guess.

Apron from dollar spot at Target! (around Valentine's Day a few years ago)

So not only do I feel like I'm doing something good for somebody else, it's making me feel better about myself, too! :)

Productive Saturday

Last night it took us about 2 1/2 hours to set-up all our stuff! We made it home just a few minutes before Jason got home from his Friday business class, around 9. I made a mental note that we needed to be up no later than 7 so we'd have time to stop by the bank and get change because I'd forgotten.

 We woke up a little late this morning and it threw the day off some. Since I didn't want to rush Jackson eating his breakfast and make us even later and Jason had nothing going on today, they had a daddy/son morning. On the way to the school to meet Julie, I remembered the boys needed rice and instant mashed potatoes for the Thanksgiving food drive the church is holding. We stopped at Meijer and grabbed those 2 items as well as some cash for the sale - I remembered our bank doesn't open till 9am on Saturdays. By the time we got to the school, we had missed Julie :( I felt really bad that she had gone up there to look for/wait for us! I considered just keeping the boys with me, but decided to drive them over the their catechism class. I made it back over to the school just a few minutes late, and was able to get $10 worth of ones from the ladies collecting admission fees.

When I had gotten there, the family next to me gave me some money they were holding from my first sale of the day! In the 3 hours of the sale I made about $100! I did spend $14 though, buying Jackson 10 outfits and a toy, and 5 shirts and 2 pants for our niece. After we were all done, I gave the last 3 maternity items to one of the pregnant teachers and almost all of the 8/10 and some of the 6/7 clothes to a friend who I knew would be able to get some use out of them. Still had a truckload to bring home, but it's all good :)

Julie brought the boys back over to me, and between her and her boys, and my boys and I, we got the truck loaded up. On the way home, we stopped and grabbed some lunch to take home.

I had to run back out to grab some diapers, milk, bread, and a couple of other things. I don't think in 11 years of being a parent, and 3 boys (one currently in diapers almost 2 years, one for about 4 and the other for 3), that we've ever RUN OUT of diapers! I would of sworn that we had another box in the closet. While I was at the store, E and Alex got some video game time, and Jackson fell asleep.

I guess the week and morning caught up with me, because I went in to read in our bedroom where it was quiet, and I ended up crashing for about 4 hours! Jackson and I both woke up around 8. He's up playing with train tracks and his new car toy. I have a feeling it's going to be a late night for him...

He was loving climbing in and out of this box. It's the perfect size!

Jack loves it so far.

Look at the great job he did building the track by himself!!

Tomorrow is supposed to be rainy and warmer, and I'm pretty sure we are going to just have a lazy Sunday around the house.

Now to go finally get myself a (very) late dinner. Hope you all have a great rest of your weekend!

When ouch could have been much worse

So, I fell today.

I'd love to tell ya that that's a metaphor for something. Anything. But, alas, that is not the case.

I had just wrestled a sweatshirt on a sleeping toddler. With my right arm only. Because he was asleep on my left shoulder. He'd fallen asleep on the living room floor for about 45 mins when he woke suddenly and was cranky. I cuddled him and he fell back asleep and I didn't dare disturb him, for fear he would wake again and be very cranky until bedtime.

I grabbed his coat (to put on after the car ride, it's way too bulky for safety in the carseat), his hat that I'd slip on as soon as I'd sit him in his carseat, my sweatshirt and my purse. I slid my feet into my shoes as quickly as I could which meant they were only half-way on really. Knowing full well this was not a good idea, I still proceeded out the door, as we had to go get the boys and were leaving at the last possible moment.

Stepping down the last step, somehow, without even really realizing it, I tripped, or missed the step. I'm still not sure.

In that moment time slowed, my mind, after a momentary panic, went completely calm and I could see us falling and "see" what was about to happen. My left knee made contact with the cement of the garage floor, and ever so slowly, as if time was actually standing still, I dropped our things from my right hand and placed it around the back of Jack's head and twisted my body at the hip, falling so I was on my side and he was in my arms, safe and sound. He lifted his head and giggled as he opened his eyes. I sat him on the step to collect myself and stand up and he just sat there looking at me as if nothing had happened.

In that split second that it took to turn him from the cement and keep him safe, all I could see was what would have happened. He came so close (but not really) to banging the back of his head!

Not only am I grateful for that "moment" of time - mere seconds in reality - that my mind reacted and allowed me to react, I am so grateful he is ok.

I did bang up my knee badly though. In fact, it hurts a little to walk and bend it, and it's got a nasty bruise. It's not swollen too bad, and I'll take a bruised knee over anything worse any day!

By the way, if anybody is wondering, yes, I am a klutz ;) and I will take this as a reminder to slow down a bit in life and also to give myself ample time when it's time to pick the boys up from school.

Exploring history

While I was planning to write yesterday, I got very distracted on Ancestry.com looking at family history and trying to find not only my mom and dad's lineage, but my husband's as well. It's proving somewhat difficult on my side, as there is conflicting info or people with similar names, etc. I have gotten pretty solid info going back at least 4 or 5 generations on most of my grandparents sides.

Jason's family is more difficult. I've yet to find anything on his mother's side, and his dad's side only goes back to Jason's great grandparents on both sides. They all came over from Poland according to census records, but then the trail goes cold. It's frustrating! I really wanted to know.

I love learning about history, and finding out my great-great-grandfather was born in England and moved here when he was 2, married a girl from Missouri who's father was Canadian, is very interesting. I'm sure it goes even farther back, and I THOUGHT (not sure because again, conflicting info) we had Swedish and German and Dutch roots between my mom and dad's ancestors, as well as the definitive English and Canadian on my maternal grandfather's side.

Jason's definitely got Polish roots on both paternal grandparents sides, as they were both 1st generation Americans! I'm really hoping to find more to share with him.

We are shaped so much by not only our choices, personalities, those around us, likes, dislikes, but also the past: our lineage and ancestors. If it wasn't for each particular person meeting, marrying/having children together, for each of those generations, we would not be the exact person we are. We could be somebody totally different, inside and out! It's neat when you think about it in terms of you are who you are because of a unique set of circumstances, and choices made by every single ancestor you have!

I'm hoping to share some more info here if I find anything interesting :)

Throwback Thursday

Below is one of the few pictures I have of my Grandpa O. :( It was taken in April 1981.

(Check out the cool car seat, LOL)

Grandpa O, me (1 week old!) and Grandma O

Heather, me and Linda (my sisters) Dec 1982

From top: Dec 82 with sisters, 1983 (age 2) with my mom, Dec 83 or 84 at Grandpa Gregory's

From top: April 1987 Kindergarten; spring/summer 87 on first 2-wheeler;

 May 1987

Note the last picture above. I was 6 and my little cousin Martin was 3. This was after my paternal grandfather's funeral. I haven't seen Martin since I was about 8 or 9, I think. We were best buds here :)

Most school pictures ranging from 2nd through 5th I think.

Top left pic above was Christmas at my maternal grandfather's house. Bottom left as around my 12th birthday I think. My sister(s?) had given me a makeover.

July 1995 in NC with mom and nephew Christian

From top: 1995 with nephew Christian; Dec 1998; June 1999 with mom and dad

From Top: 98 or 99; May 2002 at our house; May 2002 in DC

From Top: May 2002 baby shower with Jason's grandma; July 29,2002 with E; First day home with E

From Top: Our happy little family July 2002 (soooo tired, LOL); me and E about 18 months; 2004

May 2005 as MOH for bestie Jill; 2008 (?) with sister Heather on ferry to Put-in-Bay

Next week, if he's cool with it, I have a ton of pics to share of Jason ;) We shall see!

When it gets the best of me...

When Ethan and Alex were babies, they slept through the night at a very young age. I'm talking 10 hours before 12 weeks old. I'm not saying this to make others jealous, or wonder what they are doing differently. In fact, in so many ways, I wish they hadn't been such "good" sleepers. Ethan actually started by about 6 weeks or so sleeping very long stretches after having been a pretty sleepy baby and having jaundice for over a month anyway. I think had we been successful with breastfeeding it would have been a much different story, not in a bad or good way, just different. I try not to beat myself up about that, I did what I could, the best I could, for as long as I could at that time, and then we did what was right at that time for our boys. Looking back, it wouldn't have made a difference, at least for E. I was worried he wasn't gaining weight, but he's still very thin and on the taller side. But minimal education and experience with breastfeeding, coupled with some PPD and major anxiety, not eating enough, drinking enough water, or resting enough, I really couldn't breastfeed him with the resources I had. By the time Alex was born, I had already been through the struggle and switch to formula, so I prepared myself for "failure" and when it became the same struggle, I did what was right for us at the time, again. *Note: just because you decide not to breastfeed, or choose to stop at anytime and use formula does NOT make you a failure. I was a failure, in my own mind, for not succeeding in something I had set my mind to do. Please, please know this is not a judgement on anyone, but just how I felt about MYSELF at the time*

Actually I've gone off on a tangent, so back to my topic at hand. Even though E and Alex slept so well, I did not. I was up probably once an hour checking on them in their bassinet, while they were still there till about 12 weeks, and then in their crib in their own room. When Alex was a baby, he and Ethan shared a room, with E in his toddler bed and then twin bed. Even after that point, when I would go in to check on Alex, I HAD to check on Ethan. I was driven by an unseen force within myself to make sure they were ok. It wasn't enough to see the rise and fall of their little chest, I had to lay my hand gently on their tummy and feel them breathing. Every. Hour. Of. Every. Night. For. Years. Probably until about the time Alex was 2 or so.

Fast forward to when Jackson was born. He's only recently started sleeping through the night on a more consistent basis. In fact for the first 5 or 6 months, the only way either of us got any sleep was if we co-slept on the reclining couch in the living room and that happened nearly every night and for many more over the next several months. Even when he would sleep in the crib for a few hours, I was never as anxious as I was with the older two.

He's been sleeping maybe 10 or so hours a night 2-3 nights a week and 6-7 most other nights. It's been nice and the transition has been peaceful. My anxiety hadn't seemed to rear it's ugly head.

The other night, I was lying in bed, unable to sleep and listening to Jas snoring and the soft, stuffy-nose breathing of my toddler, my mind began racing. Something made me get up. It was silly, really, and totally unnecessary. But I needed to check on Ethan and Alex, make sure they were ok. I needed to see and feel their chests rising as they breathed so slowly in their sleep, dreaming away in their cozy beds.

After checking on them, and knowing they were just fine, I went back to bed and was finally able to sleep.

Since then, I've been thinking. I had thought my anxiety had gone, but now I realize something. It's never gone anywhere, it's transformed. It's come out in a different way.

I worry about how their day is at school. Up until recently, when I drop them off in the morning, I'd walk them both in and make sure they made it to their lockers or classroom door. Even now, when I just drop them off in the parking lot, I catch myself watching them walk into the building before I pull away (luckily, it's a short walk and I have to wait for the automatic van door to close, so I'm not being an a*%hole and holding up the line for a super-long time).

I panic when they ride the 4-wheeler/atv or mini-bike at my in-laws. The whole time they (just the older 2 go right now) are down there for a week or several days in the summer, I worry that they will get lost or run away from their grandparents, or get hurt, or whatever *Note: this is in no way because of my in-laws, I trust them implicitly with our boys. I just have an irrational fear of them being hurt and me not being there to comfort them, or worse :( *

At the first sign of a cough or sickness, in my head, I panic. I wonder if it's some strange illness and if they will be ok. If they say they have a headache or a tummy-ache, my mind shoots right to the worst possibility.

Even though, every day, this anxiety threatens to overwhelm me, I've learned to control it in someways.

My stomach churns, my heart races, I feel dizzy or like I have the chills, but outwardly I try my best to stay calm. It's not always possible, but I'm trying. I keep the concerns about serious illness or injury to myself and just watch, wait and take them to the doctor if needed, never mentioning to them and giving them undue concern. I let them continue to ride the atv and mini-bike, all the while standing there with fist clenched, and willing them to slow down a bit.

I will not let MY anxiety and fear hold them back. I may already have in someways, but no more. They must have fun and be children and enjoy life while learning and growing up, but not too fast. I need to enjoy them and my own life.

It's not even just about them, the anxiety, the worries. I panic when I haven't heard from Jason if he goes somewhere and says "I'll be home in a few hours" or by such and such time. I call him, and text him, not to annoy him, or because I don't trust him, but because I worry about him. He is my everything. My life. My love. My world. Without him, I am only half a person.

I worry about my parents, especially my dad. So when my mom calls at an odd time, or tries to reach me on both phones and with a text, I automatically think he's ill or in the hospital.

I worry about silly things. I worry about serious things. I panic when we go over a certain bridge in Ohio, especially if the wind is bad. I have a fear of drowning in the car. An overwhelming, irrational fear. I don't have the best night vision, so it's hard for me to drive when it's dark, and I try to overcompensate and I panic a little, driving slower and stiffly at the wheel. At night and in the rain or snow, I won't even attempt unless there's absolutely no way around it. I can't stand near the edge of a cliff or even by the windows of a very high building looking out with out being dizzy or starting to panic. Elevators freak me out a bit, especially when a certain someone decides it's funny to jump up and down in them. Rationally, I know the elevator is safe and won't break from that. But I'm not usually rational in that moment, and I get a lump in my throat and my heart starts racing. How do I explain that? Because after, when I'm calm and collected on the inside like I am on the outside, I KNOW it's really ok, but I want him to understand how I feel in the moment and why I say please don't do that.

I think sometimes my anxiety comes out in anger towards the boys. I want to keep them safe, so when they don't listen or do something that could cause them harm, I get mad and yell. Mind you, it's not always an actual safety issue. It could be them running through the house, and for me, I foresee them running into something, or tripping and bumping their head. I'm not saying they should be running in the house ;) but it's probably not as big of a deal as I make it out to be.

So even after thinking for so long that I had beaten it, that I had gotten the better of it, at least in someways, I really just hide it better, keep it inside better, deal with it better. It's getting worse again though. So if you see me start to panic, look me in the eye and remind me that it's all ok. I'm safe. They are safe. And give me a hug. Because sometimes that's all I really need. Right then. From you. Whoever you are.

You know you're tired when...

• You wake up at 7:02am (after waking several times before that, including almost exactly one hour ago, and plan to just "rest your eyes for 5 more minutes") and you have to leave to drive your children to school by 7:20.

• You almost forget to wake the youngest child in time, who's only 21months and thankfully doesn't need to get dressed or eat breakfast before we leave, despite the fact that when you woke up he was cuddled up in your arms in the bed...

• You forget at least 5 times that it's only Wednesday October 30th.

• Even though you finally remembered it's only Wednesday, as you are driving home after dropping 2 older children off, you STILL remember there are juice boxes and sprinkles in the back of the van and think the 8 year needs them for his classroom Halloween party. Which is tomorrow. Not today.

• When leaving school, you turn right out of the parking lot. And don't realize you've gone the wrong way until you reach the end of the road, almost 6 miles North of where you were. At 32 Mile rd. When you should have taken a left. And THEN a right. And have to go 9 1/2 miles South now instead of 3 1/2. Not too mention you went North instead of West. And you've driven this route every school day for the last 4 years and now 2 months... 

•  You've been home for over 2 hours and forget to let the dog out, even though you've seen him, petted him and made sure the oldest boy fed him before school.

Yeah, I actually made myself a pot of coffee today. I don't do that on weekdays, at least not often. I'm going back to bed ;) 

Fun week, indeed!

For our mini-vacation this year, we went to Michigan Adventure again, due to Ethan winning 2 free tickets to the park.

Having spent a week in Muskegon last summer, spending a day at Michigan Adventure and doing some other things, we decided to take just 3 days this time around.

Jason found a KOA campground that had a "park model" cabin/camper for us to rent about 45 minutes from the park, in Allendale.

Tuesday morning, after a quick breakfast and loading the car up, we started our drive across the state. The older boys had their DSI's to play video games for most of the ride and the toddler slept about half of it. We stopped at Burger King for lunch and to get out of the car for awhile about half-way there.

A quick trip for some groceries and then we made it to the cabin to unpack the car. Swimming came next, in the campground's pool. Even Jackson joined in the fun! The boys played on the playground and swings, and we walked around a bit.

Jason cooked us up some cheeseburgers on the charcoal grill - the boys each had a regular, but we splurged for him and I and got black and blue burgers, seasoned with loads of black pepper and stuffed with blue cheese! Seriously tasty!

After dinner came a bit more "exploring" and an attempt at fishing. It started getting dark and Jackson was getting sleepy, so we went back to the cabin for the night. While I got Jack down for bed, Jason took the boys outside to have a campfire, complete with s'mores and a scary story. Poor Alex wasn't too fond of the scary story, so Jason stopped early and came in. After all the boys were sound asleep, Jason and I sat outside for a little while.

Jackson actually slept from about 9:30 till 5:30am! That rarely happens!

Wednesday, we went to the amusement park and had so much fun. Ethan went on a roller coaster first thing with Jason, and I took Alex to ride a couple of rides by himself, while Jack and I watched him. Jack loved watching all the cool rides. After quite a few rides, we grabbed a quick lunch over by the water park, and all changed into our swimwear.

The water park was my favorite part. All three boys got to do something fun in there, including the wave pool, and for the older boys, water slides!

We did have a big scare at one point. Before we even entered the park, we went over what the boys should do if we should get separated or lost. I took Jackson in the tidal wave pool with the older boys and Jason waited outside off to the side. I decided to take Jackson out after a few minutes so we could warm up and I guess Alex saw me and followed me. I didn't realize it though and because he was a little ways behind me, he didn't see which direction I went. He walked around for a bit looking for me and Jason, while we were standing off to the side, talking and looking in the giant tidal wave pool, filled with so many people, trying to catch a glimpse of each of them. We saw E, but no Alex anywhere. Trying not to panic we walked toward the front and continued to look, thinking he was just lost in the sea of kids in the water. After about 10 minutes and still no Alex, I started walking toward the front of the water park to see if he had maybe wandered to the bathroom or for a life-vest (he mentioned maybe wanting one) and as I turned to start going around the corner, I saw him with a security guard, with a scared look on his face. Pushing Jackson in the stroller, I walked as quickly as I could to meet him and wrapped him in my arms, asking where he'd gone! I was almost in tears, and thanked the security guard, who told me he had gone to the first aid station and asked for help. I'm so glad we told the boys who to go to and what to say. I never, ever want to feel that way again. I really don't think Alex does either!

It was time to leave the water park then and ride some more rides, followed by a bbq dinner, more rides and finally time to go home. Jason mentioned stopping for some ice cream on our way back to the cabin, so we were on a mission to find some soft-serve. We found a little place called Whippi Dip between Muskegon and Allendale and sat outside in the warm summer breeze, as it got darker and enjoyed some yummy ice cream.

We had to check out by 11am on Thursday, so we packed up all of our things and got on the road. We decided against fast food for lunch and found a little hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant in Howell called Mexicali Allie's. It was pretty good and the boys all ate their cheese quesadillas, E ate his rice and Alex ate his refried beans. I decided on a ground beef taco, a bean tostada, beans and rice while Jason chose a chunk beef burrito, ground beef taco, beans and rice. Jackson ate a bite of beans but didn't really dig them, which surprised me, because he loves them on tacos at home!

Once we arrived home around 3, we were greeted with a "Welcome Home" chalk sign from Julie and the B's!! Well, actually two, the first on the driveway by the garage door and the second on the sidewalk/patio area by our back porch! That was really cute and sweet. At the last minute, on Monday evening, (because I forgot to find someone to watch the dog and none of our neighbors were around to ask) I sent Julie a text asking if she'd let the dog out a few times and feed and water him each day for us while we were gone. And because she's an awesome friend and my hero, she agreed!

THANKS AGAIN JULIE AND BOYS FOR HELPING US OUT! IT WAS SO NICE OF YOU AND YOUR FRIENDSHIP MEANS THE WORLD TO US!!!

Side note here: Make sure to follow Julie's new blog as she branches out from here and hopefully we will both grow our readership! 

After we settled back in here at home, unpacking and ordering pizza for dinner, Jason suggested go-karts and/or mini-golf. I thought that sounded like a fantastic idea. When we got to C.J. Barrymore's, we had to see if the boys were tall enough to ride the "faster" go-karts. E is plenty tall enough and Alex is borderline. However, the lady at the counter asked how old he was, and when we said 8, she told us "Sorry, he has to be at least 10 AND 54" tall to ride those ones". After buying E's ticket and mini-golf tickets for all of us except Jackson - he had to be a spectator in the stroller as he's still a tiny bit too young to play :( but he didn't mind, he laughed at all of us - we went over to the turbo track to find NO ONE else in line. E was going to be out there all by himself! Jason ran back in and bought a ticket for himself and they raced each other while we looked on. 

Mini-golf was fun, we chose the "green" course, and I did really well the first 5 or 6 holes, hitting it in with 2 strokes (par was 3 for every hole), then I kind of stunk for a while and then believe it or not, I, somehow, got 3 - yes, THREE! - holes-in-one! I don't even think JASON did that, lol. But Jason came in way under, winning the game. I had 63, E had 68 and Alex had 69.  

Jackson slept all night AGAIN! I'm loving the fact that he's sleeping anywhere from 7-10 hours a night now, although I know it could change at any moment. I'm relishing in the fact that I'm getting some good sleep myself now, except of course when my own body decides it doesn't need sleep, but I'm really, truly tired...

Yesterday (Friday), we are still technically on vacation, as Jason took the day off of work and the boys are not starting school for over a week. However, it sure didn't feel like a fun day. After having used up quite a few things before we left - milk, bread, peanut butter, eggs, you know the staples - I had no choice but to go grocery shopping, hopefully before lunch. Since I try and go "big grocery shopping" every other week and just get a few things that would go bad if I bought too much, and it happened to be shopping week, it took a little longer to plan the menu and grocery list out. Jack-Jack and I left after 11am and didn't get home till after 2! He was so well-behaved and patient in the two stores. We ended up going to Meijer for most things, and Costco for meat (they have organic chicken and ground beef for a good price), eggs - again organic, 2 dozen, great price - and a few other things. I even got 4 loaves of organic whole wheat bread for $11.38. I know it sounds kind of expensive, but even Aunt Millie's at Meijer is almost $3/loaf and it's not organic, but is my second choice. Meijer organic is about $4, I think? Regardless, we got everything, snacked on some samples and a slice of Costco pizza (eh, not my favorite) and came home. Jason took the older 2 out while we were gone, after lunch, to get new rotors for the front brakes on our van and to sell a buddy's riding gear. When we got home and got the van unloaded, they weren't home yet. We decided on leftovers or sandwiches for dinner. Jason was supposed to have his class last night, and still needs to find his 2 books, so he took off early, only to find the campus bookstore closes at 2pm. He stayed up there, went to class, his professor was a no-show so they all submitted attendance paperwork, and he took the long way home - meaning he rode his Harley around for a little while.

Today was a beach day. We decided on Lake St. Clair Metropark as there's a beach, playground, splash zone/sprayground and for an extra fee, a pool with water slides. We skipped the pool and slides and opted for free. I packed up some sandwiches, fruit, tortilla chips/cheese puffs, juice boxes and other picnic snacks for us, while Jason gathered our towels and beach gear. After everyone was dressed for swimming, we drove over and enjoyed 4 hours there! It was such a beautiful day, the water felt great, and the boys all got along. E even made a new friend that he and Alex played with in the water for a bit. Jackson went swimming - well sort of - and played happily in the sand. We ate our lunch and Jason and the older boys went back in the water. I took Jack to change his swim diaper and wash the sand off of his little bottom and change my own clothes, and then we met the 3 of them in the splash zone. After about 15 minutes (they were over there for about 20 before we even managed to make it back over that way, lol), we decided to call it a day.

Now that we are home, Jackson is taking a nice nap, E and Alex are playing video games, and Jason is off at the tattoo parlor getting more work done to his right arm. It's really nice looking so far, but he wants more added to it. While they are all occupied, I'm taking some "me" time and writing, finally!! Although, now I should probably go make some dinner for my little loves, because I know Jack will be awake soon and it's already 5:30!! Where did the day go?

Oh yeah, and tomorrow, we get to go hang out with JULIE and her little men! So excited. It's going to be an afternoon filled with visiting a metropark, geocaching - hopefully we will have better luck than before - and a cookout with friends.

I have a ton of pictures from our vacation, so I may make a slide show from them and share them that way. Still trying to figure out my photo software on this computer and I received it as a gift in December! Oh well.