Change can be hard

even if and when it is needed. Sometimes, the desired change is better in theory than in action.

And, sometimes, maybe, just maybe, that change is much easier than anticipated.

Thankfully, this has been one of those times.

Let me set the stage. Explain how it all started. Way back in January (ha!), I made up a list of goals for each of the boys. Including Jackson. Knowing full well that all of his personal goals for the year would be implemented by mom and dad. Knowing at least a few were huge life changes for such a little guy.

Fast forward to Friday, sometime before 4am, the bazillionth time of Jack waking up, and me just moving him to our bed so I *selfishly* - my words - could get a little more sleep. The kicking, and squirming, and hands in the face started. Not really an ideal situation for any of the three of us to get more sleep. Jason spouted off to me - as nicely as he could for 4am while tired - that I really need to just put him back in his bed, etc. I lost it, telling him, yes that would be nice but he is wide awake now, hates the crib, etc. A *ahem* disagreement ensued, until about 10 mins or so later, Jackson and I headed to the living room to read 9 books (yes I counted!) and then watched Sprout for a bit.

6am rolls around, and Jason is ready to walk out the door and another small discussion occurs. I'm at my wit's end. I just want ALL of us to be happy, comfortable and sleeping well. Jackson doesn't really have a "schedule" when it comes to sleep. I'm tired of sleeping on the couch with him several partial nights a week and Jason doesn't want him in our bed because then he can't sleep for work and school.

After taking the boys to school, Jackson and I got to work. I sorted through the closet and all the garage sale/donation items still in the guest bedroom to make a list for next year's taxes, and placed all the bags and boxes for donation on the front porch temporarily. Then I moved the queen mattress, and box spring to the family room, as it was too heavy to move anywhere else alone. After taking apart the bed frame (just a simple metal frame), and moving that also, Jackson's clean clothes were moved from his dresser to the identical dresser already inside of his closet that was being used for storage. He doesn't have a lot of clothes to hang up, so it's perfect. With how heavy the dresser is, I like it out of his reach. He can't yet open the folding closet doors, so that's a blessing. Since the first dresser was now empty, it was also sat in the family room. Next was Ethan's desk, which got completely cleaned out and sorted through, before finding it's new home - also in the family room, but the only thing moved that will stay there. 3 trash bags and lots of heavy furniture later, the room was almost completely empty. We have a small wooden bedside table that we left, but removed the door and latch from so now it's a good cubby or possibly bookshelf for Jack.

In need of a new bed for Jack, as I know how much he dislikes the crib, he and I searched online and came across a Disney Pixar's Cars bed for less than $70! We are still going to use the crib mattress, and he loved the bed. It turns out Toys R Us carries the bed, as well as the right size bedding also in the Cars theme, so I ordered them to be picked up in store that day. We had to wait until after school to go get them, and when we did we also got another baby gate and a light-up Cars wall art.

When Jason got home, boy, was he surprised to see me putting together a new bed in an almost empty room, as he had no clue what I had planned. He had to help me finish, as it was a bit more difficult than I anticipated, but was a breeze with his help. Thankfully he also made some fish sticks and fries for the boys for a quick dinner.

After the boys had eaten, and we had our own dinner of Zen Salmon and a side salad, it was time to have Jackson check out his room. We moved some toys in there and made his bed all up for him. He climbed right in and laid down for a second. Since he wasn't sure what to think, and said "not bedtime, mommy" I figured, oh boy, this isn't going to be very easy, but we shall see...

Much to my surprise, come 9pm, he willingly went to his room, climbed in bed (coolest part for him I think!) and laid down. "Blanket, pweese, mommy?" All snuggled up, with his monkey by his side, we read a few books, and his eyes got heavy with sleep. After several slow blinks, his eyes opened no more, so I stood to leave after a few more minutes and finishing the book we had started, to ensure he was asleep. I shut off the light, and up popped his little head, with a frantic little voice saying "no mommy! turn on light!" I instead turned on his wall art, and went back to his bedside and sang several nursery rhymes, before running out and resorting to amazing grace and jingle bells :) This time he was surely asleep. I just had to quietly "sneak" out the door, and over the newly placed baby gate (he can open the door, and we don't want him to wander to the basement stairs or something in the dark, his door stays open, we can clearly hear him, and any of us, including his brothers, if need be, can easily lift him out in an emergency.) So now it's 9:30, and he's fast asleep in his own bed, in his own room, and the other two boys are ready for bed too. After "good night's" all around, even mama is tired and heads to bed. I figured I'd be up in a couple of hours with an unhappy toddler.

Well I was right about being up, but very wrong about the reason. He stayed fast asleep. I, however, woke up almost every two hours, worried, and had to peak in on him! He did wake once at 4, needing a diaper change, but it was sort of funny how it happened. I had woken for what felt like the umpteenth time, but just to use the bathroom myself, and on my way there, I walk right by his door. I heard a faint voice talking inaudibly, and then the unmistakable "mommy, diaper? MOMMY, diaper change, pweese?" I quietly entered his room, changed his diaper without taking him out of his bed and therefore barely disturbing him. I don't even think he opened his eyes, and he went right back to sleep until just before six.

Talk about change! I thought, oh it MUST be a fluke. Surely, this barely 25 month old little boy who has needed to cuddle almost every night of his life, couldn't possibly be growing up so much so fast! I mean, he stop nursing less than 2 months ago, had his second birthday just over 6 weeks ago, had thumb surgery on Monday and freaked out a bit after waking from the anesthesia, crying uncontrollably for me until they came and got me - thankfully only a couple of minutes - and now he was willingly going to bed in his own bed. AND sleeping through the night?! Impossible!!

Wow. I've been a fool. I honestly didn't think he was ready. Apparently, having his own "real" bed - as well as room - was what he needed. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to buy him a bed a couple of months ago at a mom-to-mom sale, but Jason had said nah, we didn't need it because he didn't have his own room, he just needed to sleep in the crib. Well we were BOTH wrong. Me for not thinking he was ready, and Jas for thinking the crib was just as good or better than a big boy bed.

Last night went smoothly as well. After watching Free Birds, and having pizza for dinner, Jackson got a quick bath before we sat and watched Ender's Game, during which he bounced back and forth between mom and dad, and even went to lay down for a few minutes. He wasn't ready to fall asleep though and wanted some cuddle time with Jason, during which he fell asleep. After the movie was over, Jason was able to lay him down without waking him - let me tell you what, it's much easier in a small bed than into a crib! - and he slept until about 4am again! After a diaper change, I sang him back to sleep until just after 6 when he woke up yelling "mommy, daddy, move gate?? PWEESE??" Instead, E decided to go in there and play cars and trains and go-go's with him and Alex joined him a few minutes later.

Two days in, and while I still woke a couple times to check on him, I did sleep a bit better myself last night, and he is gaining some confidence and sleeping longer stretches for sure! Plus, it's nice not getting kicked in the head or stomach or back ;)

So we can officially mark off "move to his own room" and "transition to toddler bed" off of Jackson's 2014 goals!! Now just to start potty training...

Oh and an update on his thumb! (This was also on our Health goals for 2014 - "Jackson's thumb surgery") I never shared a post about it, even though I meant to. Monday, we had to drive down to the D to be at the children's hospital there at 6:45, and hit a couple small snags. The first was just a bit of heavy traffic, and then the parking garage cost $3, up front, cash only. Oops, I didn't know that, having never been to this particular hospital, so I had to drive around until I found an ATM, and pull out some cash. That stunk as it cost me an extra $3 ATM fee! After finally parking, we were able to enter, only 30 minutes late now, at this point. My cell phone rings loudly, as I'm trying to contain Jackson's excitement for a new place, and figure out where we are supposed to go. Oh great the hospital calling. I answer, explain what happens and am told to go to admitting/reception to check in and then proceed to the surgical reception area after that. I checked Jack in and read him a couple of books while we wait. Finally, we get called back to fill out the paperwork, and I'm told we have an estimated patient responsibility of blah, blah, blah, will I be paying anything on it today? No, not today - we are STILL dealing with the other hospital mishap in billing for his other surgery, and I'm not interested in making a payment until I know the exact, correct amount from our insurance company and receive an actual bill, besides the fact that it's almost 2k for this... - she says something, half under her breath, about how they really like you to pay something the day of service. Oh, well sorry, don't have it today, I think to myself. She goes back to get something from the printer for me to sign, stating I understand the estimated bill, and here's where to send it, etc, and I hear her talking to another admissions lady. One says "oh, you have one too?" Other "yeah, ugh." something else that sounded like "I hate when they do that." but I couldn't be sure. Oh really? Great customer service so far...

Time to head to the surgical reception area, where we sat for just a few minutes, until called back to the "check-in" pre-op area. He was weighed and measured - almost 30 lbs and just shy of 36 inches - and checked over. The orthopedic surgeon, nurses, anesthesiologist all came over to talk to me and go over what would happen. His thumb was marked and we waited for what felt like just 2 minutes! They had me change him into hospital pants, socks and a gown, but Jackson was angry at me for taking off his car/truck jammies! No gown for him, just pants and socks. Then it was time for mom to put on a gown, cap, and mask - I got to go back with him, while they put him to sleep! YAY! much better, as he did not want me to leave or to leave me. We laid him down, and they put the mask on. He was not happy at all :( He cried and yelled, but was so brave too. After just a few seconds he started to drift off to sleep. I gave him a kiss and was escorted back to the pre-op area. Within 15 minutes, the surgeon came out to tell me the surgery was done, and went well. In just a few minutes, he'd be waking up and they should be able to bring him to me. After what seemed like forever, a nurse came to get me and take me the post-op wake-up recovery room, as he was upset and unable to calm himself. Jackson was very happy to see me, as I was him. He cuddled right up, and stopped crying within moments, drank some juice and fell back asleep. We moved back to the pre-op/recovery area, and waited for a bit. He woke up, had some more juice, and we sat for a few minutes. The nurse came in and checked him over. The anesthesiologist came in and said he was ready to go home :) IV was removed, we got him dressed and went over at-home instructions. He went back at 8:25 and I was signing check-out papers at 9:25!! How's that for awesome!? The morning didn't start out great, but the nurses, doctors and staff (besides admitting) were so kind, helpful and patient! We will definitely be using this hospital for any future needs for any of the boys - which hopefully won't be anytime soon of course.

We were able to remove the gauze in two days, but I did change it once after the first day, as it got quite dirty while he ate. Then the steri-strips fell off on their own by Friday, and the incision is almost completely healed already! They also used that glue stuff to seal it. His thumb and palm were quite swollen and bruised the first couple of days, and the bruising has slowly gone away as well as the swelling. It's still slightly swollen and sore, though no longer purple, and he doesn't like it getting cleaned after meals. We have to be super gentle but I don't want anything getting in there, or it getting infected. Bath time is the easiest time to get it clean of course, so we just do the best we can right after eating, and then clean it well at during his bath and let it kind of soak in the bubbles :) Bubble baths have become our best friend this week! Actually, we had to add more baby bath soap to our grocery list, as we ran out yesterday!

On top of all that, Alex managed to injure his foot on Wednesday during gym class while jumping rope. Instead of stopping, he continued to jump, went through the day limping and walked over to the HS for play rehearsal when it started hurting even worse. He went back to his classroom and then finally to the office to call me to pick him up early from rehearsal (he didn't even last 15 minutes!). I picked him and Ethan up rather than drive back a 3rd time that day to get E at 6:30, and we went home. Making sure his foot was ok, I made him stay off of it for the rest of the day, and sit out of gym class on Thursday. He just pulled or twisted something in the top of his foot when he landed funny on his toes. I let him know that he really should have stopped jumping right away, and kept off of it for a bit until the pain was gone, and that he got very lucky he didn't cause himself serious harm! He promised if anything like that happens again, he'll stop, take a break, and call one of us if necessary, so we can see the dr to make sure it's just a strain. Alex is fine now, and although it did hurt a little yesterday after we left Skyzone, he said it wasn't too bad at all. I reminded him that if he needs to stop jumping rope in gym this week because it hurts again, that's fine! Luckily they have tomorrow off, so he can take it somewhat easy and stay off of it a bit more.

It's been a pretty crazy week! After all that, we spent a whole day ticking things off of our winter fun list! Look for a nice, long post tomorrow for that. We had such a fun family day yesterday, and even though mom and dad are a little under the weather, we made the most of it, that's for sure. Jason is at City Airport for little while today, and plans to go tomorrow for a while too - he's off of work for the holiday at his regular job - so we are just having a lazy morning around here. Grocery shopping in a bit, maybe after Jason gets home, by myself. I don't know that we could all survive a busy Sunday morning grocery store visit. Although, they could help pick out things they want for snacks...
 

this...

Sometimes, you just have to walk away from things that are causing more problems than they are helping. By doing so, you can commit more fully to the people and things that mean the most to you and have been there the longest - for me, that's my husband and my boys.

It sounds like an excuse, but it's so much more than that.
When I decided to start being a Beachbody Coach, I didn't discuss it with Jason. I just jumped right in, with both feet. Now, while it may be a great fit for some people, I've struggled with it. I want to help people, help them get healthy and fit, learn to eat right, all the while doing the same for myself. But I feel like a.) nobody is interested or b.) nobody can afford to buy the workouts and/or shakes. Now I know what other coaches will say: It's not about selling. I get that, but to an extent it is. They need to find a workout that is their soul-mate workout, and there are so many good choices and the shakes are super healthy, but most people I know though just can't do it. I'm not good at reaching out to new people, either.  Not only has it been stressing me out, because I don't know what/how/who, even with my awesome team's help (it's truly not about them, it's all about what I can and can't do, handle and control), but we have been spending money on our own shakes as well as our business fees. This has caused some budgetary concerns - minor, but very real.

After the first of the year, our insurance went up, as did the 401k  deductions, and we are trying to save some money for some home improvements we want to do as well as other things. One more reason to cut expenses.

I am trying not to think of this as quitting or giving up on something, so much as re-prioritizing. Things need to change and this is where they can. We needed to take a long hard look at things, and really step back. I choose them, over ANYTHING else.

My commitment has been and always will be, first and foremost, to the love of my life, Jason, and our 3 sons, Ethan, Alex, and Jack. When I sat down and spoke with Jason about quitting being a coach, and my why's, we discussed openly and came to the conclusion that it's what's right for our whole family, because I'm struggling with it.

 Chains do not hold a marriage together.  It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years.  ~Simone Signoret

I love this quote, because for me those threads are our conversations, our fights, our compromises, our willingness to fight for one another and for our family unit.

I love being married.  It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.  ~Rita Rudner
 

I hope I don't annoy him too much, and even when he annoys me, I love him more than life.

What needs changing in YOUR life today? For me, it's hunkering down into our family more, and shutting out the world just a bit, while still sharing, growing, loving, and moving on from things that just don't fit. I'm thankful for the opportunity I had, and am not sorry I attempted. I did learn things, and will always be grateful for that. I feel like I've made some new friends along the way and reconnected with old acquaintances, too.

On to bigger and better things. Like my eldest son's school spelling bee in an hour. Yes, that's right, E won the class bee again this year, and goes to the next level. If he wins, it will be the charter school bee and possibly the Scripps regional bee again. Even if he doesn't make it, I'm proud of him and Alex for all their hard work in school. (Alex was disappointed because he didn't win his class bee, but he was happy for his good friend that did :) ) Oh, and of course, my writing, online and offline. I have had some book ideas floating around in my head for months now, and while they might not be any good at all, I need to get them on paper and share with someone...

When it gets the best of me...

When Ethan and Alex were babies, they slept through the night at a very young age. I'm talking 10 hours before 12 weeks old. I'm not saying this to make others jealous, or wonder what they are doing differently. In fact, in so many ways, I wish they hadn't been such "good" sleepers. Ethan actually started by about 6 weeks or so sleeping very long stretches after having been a pretty sleepy baby and having jaundice for over a month anyway. I think had we been successful with breastfeeding it would have been a much different story, not in a bad or good way, just different. I try not to beat myself up about that, I did what I could, the best I could, for as long as I could at that time, and then we did what was right at that time for our boys. Looking back, it wouldn't have made a difference, at least for E. I was worried he wasn't gaining weight, but he's still very thin and on the taller side. But minimal education and experience with breastfeeding, coupled with some PPD and major anxiety, not eating enough, drinking enough water, or resting enough, I really couldn't breastfeed him with the resources I had. By the time Alex was born, I had already been through the struggle and switch to formula, so I prepared myself for "failure" and when it became the same struggle, I did what was right for us at the time, again. *Note: just because you decide not to breastfeed, or choose to stop at anytime and use formula does NOT make you a failure. I was a failure, in my own mind, for not succeeding in something I had set my mind to do. Please, please know this is not a judgement on anyone, but just how I felt about MYSELF at the time*

Actually I've gone off on a tangent, so back to my topic at hand. Even though E and Alex slept so well, I did not. I was up probably once an hour checking on them in their bassinet, while they were still there till about 12 weeks, and then in their crib in their own room. When Alex was a baby, he and Ethan shared a room, with E in his toddler bed and then twin bed. Even after that point, when I would go in to check on Alex, I HAD to check on Ethan. I was driven by an unseen force within myself to make sure they were ok. It wasn't enough to see the rise and fall of their little chest, I had to lay my hand gently on their tummy and feel them breathing. Every. Hour. Of. Every. Night. For. Years. Probably until about the time Alex was 2 or so.

Fast forward to when Jackson was born. He's only recently started sleeping through the night on a more consistent basis. In fact for the first 5 or 6 months, the only way either of us got any sleep was if we co-slept on the reclining couch in the living room and that happened nearly every night and for many more over the next several months. Even when he would sleep in the crib for a few hours, I was never as anxious as I was with the older two.

He's been sleeping maybe 10 or so hours a night 2-3 nights a week and 6-7 most other nights. It's been nice and the transition has been peaceful. My anxiety hadn't seemed to rear it's ugly head.

The other night, I was lying in bed, unable to sleep and listening to Jas snoring and the soft, stuffy-nose breathing of my toddler, my mind began racing. Something made me get up. It was silly, really, and totally unnecessary. But I needed to check on Ethan and Alex, make sure they were ok. I needed to see and feel their chests rising as they breathed so slowly in their sleep, dreaming away in their cozy beds.

After checking on them, and knowing they were just fine, I went back to bed and was finally able to sleep.

Since then, I've been thinking. I had thought my anxiety had gone, but now I realize something. It's never gone anywhere, it's transformed. It's come out in a different way.

I worry about how their day is at school. Up until recently, when I drop them off in the morning, I'd walk them both in and make sure they made it to their lockers or classroom door. Even now, when I just drop them off in the parking lot, I catch myself watching them walk into the building before I pull away (luckily, it's a short walk and I have to wait for the automatic van door to close, so I'm not being an a*%hole and holding up the line for a super-long time).

I panic when they ride the 4-wheeler/atv or mini-bike at my in-laws. The whole time they (just the older 2 go right now) are down there for a week or several days in the summer, I worry that they will get lost or run away from their grandparents, or get hurt, or whatever *Note: this is in no way because of my in-laws, I trust them implicitly with our boys. I just have an irrational fear of them being hurt and me not being there to comfort them, or worse :( *

At the first sign of a cough or sickness, in my head, I panic. I wonder if it's some strange illness and if they will be ok. If they say they have a headache or a tummy-ache, my mind shoots right to the worst possibility.

Even though, every day, this anxiety threatens to overwhelm me, I've learned to control it in someways.

My stomach churns, my heart races, I feel dizzy or like I have the chills, but outwardly I try my best to stay calm. It's not always possible, but I'm trying. I keep the concerns about serious illness or injury to myself and just watch, wait and take them to the doctor if needed, never mentioning to them and giving them undue concern. I let them continue to ride the atv and mini-bike, all the while standing there with fist clenched, and willing them to slow down a bit.

I will not let MY anxiety and fear hold them back. I may already have in someways, but no more. They must have fun and be children and enjoy life while learning and growing up, but not too fast. I need to enjoy them and my own life.

It's not even just about them, the anxiety, the worries. I panic when I haven't heard from Jason if he goes somewhere and says "I'll be home in a few hours" or by such and such time. I call him, and text him, not to annoy him, or because I don't trust him, but because I worry about him. He is my everything. My life. My love. My world. Without him, I am only half a person.

I worry about my parents, especially my dad. So when my mom calls at an odd time, or tries to reach me on both phones and with a text, I automatically think he's ill or in the hospital.

I worry about silly things. I worry about serious things. I panic when we go over a certain bridge in Ohio, especially if the wind is bad. I have a fear of drowning in the car. An overwhelming, irrational fear. I don't have the best night vision, so it's hard for me to drive when it's dark, and I try to overcompensate and I panic a little, driving slower and stiffly at the wheel. At night and in the rain or snow, I won't even attempt unless there's absolutely no way around it. I can't stand near the edge of a cliff or even by the windows of a very high building looking out with out being dizzy or starting to panic. Elevators freak me out a bit, especially when a certain someone decides it's funny to jump up and down in them. Rationally, I know the elevator is safe and won't break from that. But I'm not usually rational in that moment, and I get a lump in my throat and my heart starts racing. How do I explain that? Because after, when I'm calm and collected on the inside like I am on the outside, I KNOW it's really ok, but I want him to understand how I feel in the moment and why I say please don't do that.

I think sometimes my anxiety comes out in anger towards the boys. I want to keep them safe, so when they don't listen or do something that could cause them harm, I get mad and yell. Mind you, it's not always an actual safety issue. It could be them running through the house, and for me, I foresee them running into something, or tripping and bumping their head. I'm not saying they should be running in the house ;) but it's probably not as big of a deal as I make it out to be.

So even after thinking for so long that I had beaten it, that I had gotten the better of it, at least in someways, I really just hide it better, keep it inside better, deal with it better. It's getting worse again though. So if you see me start to panic, look me in the eye and remind me that it's all ok. I'm safe. They are safe. And give me a hug. Because sometimes that's all I really need. Right then. From you. Whoever you are.